It was a dark and stormy night; the wind was howling like the swirling storm inside (my uterus). Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried. It was semester break, and my friends and I decided to mish to Queenstown for a few days. After a long and windy trip across the mushroom kingdom, we finally arrived at our destination, Kmart. God, I miss Kmart. Anyway, after settling into our dorm for the night, the urge to drink in a dry hostel became too great. We unleashed our inner whores and got ready to brave the wintery outdoors of Q-town in the middle of winter in nothing more than lingerie.
After adventuring around some clubs, doing one too many tequila shots, we arrived outside *insert club name here* (I actually have no clue what the place was called), where a large group all in various look-sharp costumes congregated. This is where I got talking to Luigi (he probably said his name, but I definitely missed it), and no one could’ve predicted the Goomba-like stomping I was about to receive. The night progressed, and the mediocre drunk chats were far from over, so my friends and I ended up adventuring back to these random men’s backpackers (real smart, I know). It was at this point that Mario finally reached Peach’s castle, so to speak. It’s important to note that this man was in a dorm with at least 7 other dudes, therefore the living room was the only viable option for any piping.
My flesh erupted in goosebumps as he unhooked my Glassons corset, and the steamy makeout sesh began whilst he was still in the Luigi suit. After a Tanooki Tail whirlwind of tongues (and teeth), he got up in more ways than one to go retrieve a condom from his shared room. I hadn’t really registered just how drunk I was, but sobered up the minute one of his mates walked into the lounge area where I was tits out pressed into the couch so as not to be seen. Old mate didn’t seem to notice me, and I thought I’d gotten away with murder, but as he was leaving the room with a whole loaf of bread, I heard the most nonchalant “Night” from him. Horrified, this is when I messaged my friends to see where they were, as I actually had no clue.
Luigi returned with the box of rubbers, and he was hornier than Bowser’s shell. He informed me that he, in fact, could not get out of this adult onesie. So there I was at one
of the lowest points of my career, tits out on a random couch, unzipping this man’s Luigi costume from the back. This might be a niche experience idk, but it was definitely a massive turn-off. As dry as the Sahara Desert, he tries to pipe me, the suit of the Italian plumber around his ankles. It was now that he decided to re-mention his name (assuming for me to moan? Not a clue really) and I discovered in my surprising soberness from the aforementioned “random dude walking in on me half-nude” that his name was the exact same as one of my good friends. Fucking brilliant. I remember from earlier that he really got off on me saying the word ‘cunt’ in a real H20: Just Add Water Aussie accent, so opted for that instead.
Then my phone rings, full volume. My saviour. With Luigi still Bullet-Bill deep in me, I answer and my friend informs me that they got kicked out of the dorm they were chilling (and coincidentally getting cock blocked in) so we had to leave. Finally a way out of this Italian sausage nightmare. He helps me put my top back on (what a gentleman) and I go to exit this goddamn lounge-kitchen common room. As if this experience couldn’t get any ickier, he pulled the Luigi onesie BACK ON just for one last image to burn on my brain.
We leave and begin the trek in an unknown direction home (Maccas run of course) and I planned how the hell I was going to enjoy Luigi’s mansion on the Nintendo Switch ever again.