ChatGOTH: Birkenstunk

ChatGOTH: Birkenstunk

ChatGPT could never. Send all your woes and worries about foes to for totally real and legit advice.

Hey girl!!!!

Just thought I would reach out with one of the issues I've currently
been going through. Generally speaking, I'm a pretty happy guy with
great friends and family around me. But I have an issue.....

My feet won't stop sweating!

The effect is accentuated by my plastic Birkenstocks but just
generally things get sweaty down there. It's really impacting my
dancing ability, which is pretty important to me. Help! Is this perhaps
a symptom of my mental state being purposefully barricaded? Is the
sweat a symptom of my emotions set to slip out at any sign of trouble?

Sincerely, Birkenstunk 


Birkenstunk, listen: you’ve come to the right place. I have never set foot in a Birkenstock but I did step on a corkboard once, which I think is the same thing. I also sweat profusely, and nonstop, which is A) why this will never be a video segment, and B) why I wear black all the time – it doesn’t show sweat stains. I have seen lives ruined first hand over that burnt-in black footprint Birk stain. No one should look at your shoe and see how far apart your toes are. So, for an instant fix: paint the soles black. Failing that, take a pair from someone with grosser feet and then just blame it all on them. 

Also, to quell your worries – sweating isn’t a symptom of your emotional dam breaking its barriers. This can usually be traced to an imbalance of the four humours, or a lack of dam fortification, and in that case I would recommend consuming more microplastics to plug the brain leaks back up. Instead, sweating is actually a symptom of water poisoning. Try removing water from your diet to cut the problem off at its source. I think they also treat overly sweaty hands with mild electrocution – do you know anyone with a dodgy turntable who’d also let you rub your feet on it? 

But seriously, socks are your best friend. Cotton ones though, or your feet will smell like yoghurt on a hot dashboard. Polyester and plastics are the enemy of the damp. However, I also posit going barefoot and just running with it (not too fast though, lest you slide away). Maybe it’s a hidden natural talent, making you naturally adept at ballroom dancing or moonwalking. You’d get real good at crossing wet floors if your feet are wet all the time. Plus, if you ever lose your friends on a night out they can follow the glistening prints to safety. 

Yours truly (or until I hang you out to dry),

This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2024.
Posted 4:26pm Tuesday 5th March 2024 by ChatGOTH.