DIY Dildos

DIY Dildos

Cumbatting the impending sex toy shortage

Let’s face it. Dildos are expensive, and StudyLink doesn’t cover all your needs. In the wake of the impending sex toy shortage, Critic has decided to review some the possible household items you’ll have lying around to make some DIY dilds. From household items, to the classic vegetable pleasure vessel. Don’t deprive your sausage wallet of a good time just because you’re down on dough. Some of them can even be repurposed. All of these should be used with a condom, to protect your flower from the outside world. Happy masturbating, and you’re welcome*.


After getting my nicotine fix, I settled down to test out the pleasurable properties of everyone’s favourite accessory. I prepared my vape with a layer of glad wrap and a condom, both for hygiene and to smooth over some of those sharp edges (but that’s definitely a plus if you’re into rectangles going up your bearded clam). Even with the protection, it was still a little too sharp and too thin to be pleasurable. But, hey, there’s no shame in making do with what you’ve got, since sometimes it just be like dat. However, the potential for in-vag nicotine poisoning and electrocution is a bit of a turn-off.

Girth: 1/10

Length: 1/10

Pleasure: 2/10


Telegraph Cucumber

Now here is a quality DIY Dildo for you. The telegraph cucumber, although more mainstream than some of our other options, is a classic for a reason. It is girthier than other options, so lube yourself up appropriately, but go slow and enjoy the natural ribbing. A commercial dildo of a similar size and design would cost you some big bucks, but this is just $2.00 from Countdown (be aware of seasonal pricing). Not only can you pleasure yourself but you’ll have a tasty and hydrating snack afterwards. You can truly put the cum in cucumber.  The mighty telegraph cucumber has potential for double-ended usage for some partner fun. Toss your salad, then make a salad.

Girth: 8/10

Length: 9/10

Pleasure: 8.5/10


TV Remote

If you’re a naughty bitch like me, or you really hate your flatmates, this is the perfect DIY dildo for you. I was a little nervous about the corners, but once it was in… it changed my channel. The buttons provide a unique experience, with both internal and clitoral stimulation. The length is also similar to the standard dildo, giving it that genuine feel. It also has an ASMR element to it, with the muffled sounds of buttons being pressed, Having this dirty little secret is a turn on all on its own, and flat movie night becomes far more entertaining. Some remotes even vibrate for further stimulation, and that Sky TV remote is looking dummy thicc right about now.

Girth: 6/10

Length: 8/10

Pleasure: 8/10



Despite the common emoji usage, the eggplant is way bigger than the average penis. The smooth exterior and luxurious colour gives it a high-end look that’s just begging to be planted in your egg. You would have to have a powerful puss to fit one of these bad boys in. After about two minutes of trying, I decided against cooking eggplant stew in my vaginal canal, because life fucks us all anyway. Still, if you’re on the lookout for a girthy, starchy vegetable to get you through the night, the eggplant is a great choice.

Girth: 15/10

Length: 5/10

Pleasure: 3/10


Beer Bottle

As a staple of the Castle Street diet, this dildo is a quick and easy one to find. Ensure that the cap is removed and those pointy edges stay far away from your meat sleeve. Use an empty bottle unless you’re trying to get a cheeky fanny chug on. After the necessary safety precautions, it’s not so bad. Maybe even reminiscent of a glass dildo. Unfortunately, I could only get up to the neck of the bottle, a disappointing three or four inches. The whole affair was laced with a slight masochistic BDSM excitement - a little danger is such a turn on. Bonus: If you replaced it with a squeezy bottle you could get some clit sucking action going.

Girth: 5/10

Length: 2/10

Pleasure: 4/10



This was a trial run - a challenge - never before taken on by a human vagina. Or maybe it has been, people are freaky. This baby was green, girthy, and ready to go. The best thing is that leeks come with both a beginner and experienced mode, depending at what end you start with. A smaller leek is recommended, purely because of the physical limitations of the human body (I know we can give birth, but come on). It’s plain and simple despite having no real texture, making for an effective and classic style dildo. Give her a good wash before attempting to get rid of any dirt, or put a condom on to be safe. The serious downside is it may make your lady garden smell of onions, so wouldn’t recommend if you’re planning on being intimate with another human. However, if you’re fucking a leek, that’s unlikely.

Girth: 8/10

Length: 6/10

Pleasure: 7/10


Rolled Up Towel

After a few weekends alone, that tea towel in your kitchen can look pretty appealing. Leave your concerns behind, lube that baby up and give it a try. Although the girth is adjustable depending on how you roll it up, it’s flaccidness leaves something more substantial to be desired. I was hoping for something a little firmer, but we can’t have everything. This is more of a last resort option, for the really desperate times. Left me with flashbacks to a disappointing night with a guy I picked up at Starters who may have had a few too many cruisers. I really should’ve seen that cumming.

Girth: 6/10

Length: 5/10

Pleasure: 2/10



Now, another vegetable classic: the carrot. One of the main advantages is the textural variations. With three minutes and a kitchen knife you have the potential for some deluxe dildo shape designs. Your creativity is your only restriction. Thin and ribbed? Absolutely. Butt plug adjacent? Definitely. There is a slight issue that the carrot may stain your love tunnel and your hands orange, but that’s just the price of pleasure. With a wide selection on any supermarket shelf, you can pick a carrot that best suits your needs. Variety is the crowning jewel of some me time, and this vegetable delivers without a carrot all.

Girth: 7/10

Length: 7/10

Pleasure: 8/10

*Disclaimer: Critic cannot be held responsible for any UTI’s or other issues following the insertion of items into your panty hamster.

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2020.
Posted 7:03pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Naughty Nadia and Sloppy Sarah.