The Rookie’s Guide to Art Galleries

The Rookie’s Guide to Art Galleries

The OUSA Art Gallery Crawl is back this Thursday. If you’re not an “art person” it can seem like a strange new world tomanoeuvre. But the payoff is huge. Not only will you impress potential sexual partners with your worldiness, but sometimes there’s free wine. 

1. Choose your outfit wisely. You’re going to want to fit in and not draw attention to yourself. 10 lads in rugby jerseys rolling on into a pottery studio with a massive head of steam are going to stick out like a sore thumb. You’ll ruin it for everyone. The best way to dress is to either go alty, or fancy. If you’re an alty kid or you know any alty kids, this should be easy. Just wear something stupid that is either way too tight or way too loose, and costs either $3 or $300, from either Save Mart or Slick Willy's. There’s no room for middle ground here. If you don’t want to look ridiculous, go for a semi-casual cool look by wearing a suit jacket with some black jeans and an ironic-yet-unironic bow-tie. Ensure you have some cigarettes, even if you don’t smoke.

2. Select your pre-drink. Our research has shown that a combination of two glasses of vino and a cone makes art far more interesting. The galleries are right in the midst of the fancy cocktail bars, so it would be rude not to duck into Pequeno for a stupidly expensive espresso martini on the way. That’s going to demo your bank account, so make sure to save up beforehand. A Longridge Pinot Gris is a nice starter, as is a nice expired $9.90 Yalumba Merlot from Meenan’s. Pair with a 1kg block of Signature Range Colby, or anything on special for less if you get lucky.

3. Get a ride from the OUSA van. They leave from 5:30 from the Hocken Library (next to Emerson’s), and it’s definitely worth jumping in. It saves you walking, and it means you blend into a crowd – ideal for drawing attention away from you while you try to work out if that painting is meant to be a dog or a building. This is extra useful because OUSA puts on free drinks and food at the Hocken while you wait, so show up early and take advantage. 

4. OK, now you’re at the gallery. Wander around and stare at things. Make impressed sounds like “oooh” and “mmmm”. Comment on “brushstroke” and “perspective”. Say stuff like “I love the drama on that piece, but is it overdesigned?” (trust me, I heard this multiple times on Project Runway and I’m pretty sure it applies to anything). If there are drinks on offer, try do a quick polite loop of the place before grabbing one.  

5.   Now would be a good time to engage in a cigarette outside with other tortured artists – pretend you have smoked and “arted” since the womb. Try to take a genuine interest in the actual art on show. Talk to the artist. Show that you appreciate it. Don’t touch the paintings, they are too expensive for you to sully.

6. Finish the night by heading to Dog With Two Tails, listening to some classy jazz, and blowing all the money you saved on one pint of Panhead APA. Definitely trade sexual favours in the alleyway, you can refer to it as “art” when you tell the grandkids about it in the future.

You too, can become wealthy with art affluence and wine, this Thursday August 9th, from 5.15pm until late. Starting at the Hocken Library with free shuttles to town from 5.30pm, don’t miss the fun!

This article first appeared in Issue 18, 2018.
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Joel MacManus.