Features

People used to have attention spans – it’s the only possible explanation for opera, Charles Dickens, and cricket. Nowdays, I can’t imagine sitting through five hours of Wagner, even with chemical aid. Most of my friends watch a movie in two or three sittings, or can’t be bothered at all – they prefer 50-minute bursts of the Wire.
 
It’s true that most films are based on crap ideas that don’t deserve to stretch over two hours. But we can’t just blame mainstream culture. It’s cheating. Everything is shrinking to fit into smaller spaces. Art is no exception. 
I love previews. People complain they tell you everything, but I think they don’t go far enough. Ideally, whole films would be compressed into a preview – the entire plot. A bad film squished down to its essential moments is more entertaining ... let alone a good film.
Oh, wait, I just invented short films.
You can’t complain about three minutes. It really cuts down that depressing sense of time lost and never regained. And shit, you wouldn’t believe what you can cram into less than 200 seconds. Done right, a short film takes an idea and punches you in the face with it. Don’t like being punched in the face by film? You should probably fuck off and watch Home and Away. Seriously, Good Morning is more your speed.
 
Tempbot – directed by Neill Blomkamp (8 mins)
Yes, the District 9 guy has made short films, and they’re rad. Yellow, about a future world in which cyborgs are just beginning to enter everyday life, is worth a look. But his real masterpiece is Tempbot, in which an ordinary mid-West American company takes delivery of a new robotic secretary. Imagine Desperate Housewives, with one of the characters a seven-foot android. It’s amusing as all hell and, as usual, Blomkamp’s use of CGI is aaaaaaamazing. Also, if you haven’t seen the eight-minute Halo short he made as a promo for the feature (which got canned, so he made District 9 instead), check it out, fanboys.
[http://dai.ly/294mP]
 
i love sarah jane – directed by Spencer Susser (12 mins)
This may be the best zombie film ever made. It’s set a few months after the zombie apocalypose has destroyed the Sydney suburbs. The parents are all dead, and kids rule the place. Made by an Australian collective of Stupidly Talented People (STP), it has perhaps some of the best dialogue about fish I’ve ever heard, and the scene with the weedwacker really has to be seen to be believed. Also worth a look is Spider, by the same people.
[http://youtu.be/gYxs7Y7ulrM]
 
Blow Out Sale – directed by Dani Pudi (3 mins)
As part of the ‘Interpretations’ project, Dani Pudi was given four lines of dialogue and a ridiculous special effects budget. He made Blow Out Sale. I think I once saw a Playstation ad that went down the same road, but this is twelve times (12x) more awesome. Picture an imaginary gun battle battle between two furniture store clerks. Shit, I just ruined it.
(PS this one can be hard to find – search Youtube for ‘blow out sale interpretations’)
[http://youtu.be/O22PTmj-svs]
 
Write the Future – directed by Alejandro Iñárritu (3 mins)
Not strictly a ‘short film’, this is eight films crammed into three minutes, paid for by Nike. The piece is directed by the guy who made Babel, and makes me think he should never be allowed to make anything longer than it takes to drink a cup of lukewarm coffee. Sometimes, when you compress something into a far, far smaller space, you get a lot more bang for your buck. In this case, the bang cost $11 million – an exercise in how much you can show in three minutes without inducing epilepsy in Japanse school kids.
[http://youtu.be/idLG6jh23yE]
 
At the suicide of the last jew in the world in the last cinema in the world – directed by David Cronenberg (6 mins)
From the guy who brought you The Fly, A History of Violence, and Existenz, comes a truly weird film about ... well, it’s there in title. It actually stars Cronenberg, who has a gun in his mouth for most of it.
[http://youtu.be/jEMT1mQiD68 ]
 
Ten Minutes Older – directed by Various (10 mins)
This is the crazy shit. A bunch of films made by some very famous people about a ten-minute period that changes someone’s life. You’ve got Wim Wenders’ awesome Twelve Miles to Trona (about a guy trying to drive to hospital after overdosing on LSD), Werner Herzog’s documentary about the last Amazonians to ever meet white people, and a touching moment from Jim Jarmusch with Chloe Sevigny playing herself in an off-moment on a movie set.
[http://youtu.be/16jujVqoVXw]
 
Born Free – Romain Gavras (4 mins)
Lastly, this one. It’s actually a music video for M.I.A., but it goes a bit far. Banned from Youtube for its graphic violence, Born Free is an allegory about ethnic cleansing – but with red-haired people. The music’s awesome and, I promise you, you won’t forget the video any time soon.
[http://vimeo.com/11281228]