Chess Boxing
For decades debate has raged – in a meek, rage-free kind of way – as to whether chess is really a sport: chess players and (briefly) the IOC said yes, everybody else said otherwise. But what if you played some chess, then spent three minutes punching your opponent in the face? What then, naysayers?The name “chess boxing” comes from the 1979 Hong Kong film Ninja Checkmate, the English-dubbed version of which was entitled Mystery of Chess Boxing. The rules were devised in 1991 by French artist Enki Bilal.
A game of chess boxing lasts 11 alternating rounds, six of chess and five of boxing. The rounds of chess each last four minutes, with each player given 12 minutes for all of their moves. Play continues until there is a knockout, a checkmate, or one player runs out of time. If there is a stalemate, the scores from the boxing rounds are used, and if this is also a tie, then Black wins.
Surprisingly, players tend to be very strong in both forms of the game; European champion Tihomir Dovramadjiev is not only an experienced boxer, but boasts a chess rating of 2356 (that’s quite high, in case you were wondering).
Shin-kicking
Shin-kicking, as you’d imagine, is one of the most painful sports in the world. It’s been described as an “English martial art,” because English people are crazy, and dates back to the 17th century.Contestants grip each other by the collar and, well, kick each other in the shins. The winner is decided by a referee after three rounds. The World Shin-kicking Championships are held annually during the Cotswald Olimpick Games, the modern, wimpy version of which requires the contestants to wear soft shoes and allows them to stuff their trousers with hay. Back in the day, shin-kickers wore steel-toed boots and, in their spare time, would hit their shins with hammers to build up tolerance.
The 401st annual championships were held in June, and saw victory for defending champion Zac Warren. His final opponent, Jeremy “Bagboy” Soper, became a crowd favourite after contesting most of the championships in shorts.
Bo-taoshi
Japanese sport Bo-taoshi is a cross between capture-the-flag and an all-out brawl. Two massive teams, each consisting of 150 players, try to drag down the opposing team’s pole. The teams are each split into 75 attackers and 75 defenders and, according to Wikipedia, “there is actually some strategy involved.”For instance, the bulk of the defenders are on “barrier” duty, forming a physical perimeter around the pole. Attackers form a “scrum,” which attempts to launch players over the barrier, and from here are met by “scrum disablers,” who do “whatever they can” to repel the attackers. Meanwhile, a “ninja” sits atop the pole, acting as a counterweight should the pole start to fall.
Once competitors start to channel their inner Freudian guilt, the attempts to bring down that big bad pole reach frenzied levels and general chaos inevitably ensues. As attackers reach the pole, the ninja often swings down to deliver a series of swift kicks to the head. Unfortunately, games rarely last more than a few minutes.
Buzkashi
The national sport of Afghanistan, Buzkashi was outlawed during the recent Taliban regime for being immoral. Sounds good already, doesn’t it? Similar to polo – in the sense that teams compete on horseback and propel projectiles towards a goal area – it avoids being identical to the popular white upper-class sport by using a headless goat carcass in place of a ball. People in Western China have a different take on the sport, which involves playing on yak-back.Buzkashi also has no fixed game time and can last for several days, with riders often carrying a whip in their teeth to fend off opposing horses and competitors. The goat used will typically be beheaded and disembowelled, its limbs cut off at the knees, soaked in water for 24 hours to toughen it, and sometimes filled with sand to add weight. Critic prefers using past editor carcasses.
Goanna Pulling
Unfortunately, this sport doesn’t involve pulling oversized, drunken lizards from the d-floor. Nor is it a tug-of-war against the beasts in an epic struggle for survival. Rather, it is an Australian sport whose name comes from its participants, who allegedly look like goannas while playing.Facing each other on all fours on the “goanna-pulling pad,” contestants are connected at the head by a leather harness and compete to pull the opposition onto the other side of the pad using only their heads. In the spirit of keeping the game completely fair for those of different sizes, ages and genders, there are three divisions for men, two divisions for women and one division for children.
But it gets even better! Over the course of the Australian National Goanna Pulling Championships, other activities such as dog obedience demonstrations, brick-carrying and wood-chopping keep the whole family entertained!
Hemp Olympics
Another classic from the Aussies, Critic would be awesome at this one. Beginning in Nimbin, New South Wales (due to its reputation for the dankest nugz), the Hemp Olympics are part of the “Mardi Grass” festival and are the ultimate sport for the ever-ageing hippie population. Think of it as the alty version of lawn bowls.Inspired 4:20 members can compete in such competitions as joint-rolling, bong smoking, the “Police Triathlon,” and bong throwing, but the real test is the “Growers’ Ironperson,” in which contestants crawl through flower tunnels carrying 40kg bags of fertiliser. Penalties are given for spilling fertiliser, and instant disqualification is on the cards for anyone who damages the flowers. Oh, and the Police Triathlon involves real police and comes with the warning that “Offenders risk jail, $2,500 fines and long licence suspensions.” Sounds fun.
Event entry costs $2 and has the slogan “Eternal Flame for Victims of Prohibition,” with the five Olympic rings standing for “Medicine, Paper, Food, Fuel, and Fibre.”
Japanese Binocular Soccer
From the creators of Human Tetris comes a game that looks like two teams of incredibly uncoordinated C-3POs, dressed up for Where’s Wally, playing football. It is exactly what the name describes: football while wearing binoculars strapped to your face.Due to looking through binoculars for the entire course of a game, competitors very rarely connect with the ball, and even less frequently score a goal. In one stunning video of the sport, the competitor responsible for kick-off completely misses the stationary ball three times before overshooting it and tripping up as his foot connects with the ball backwards. All hell breaks loose once the game finally gets started: Critic can’t help but imagine a dubstep remix of all the flailing limbs. The only comparable football alternative is bubble soccer, in which competitors play while wearing small, inflated zorbs over the top half of their bodies.