***
As the interns, it’s our job to write up the pub review for 2013. We agonised over whether to A) write it on the night of the crawl at 4am, or B) leave it until the next day and get some nap time. Tiredness set in and we went with option B, so please bear with us for the next few pages as we hungoverly tell the tale of Critic’s piss-up.
The Critic crew started off the night with pre-drinks at the Critic office. 12 litres of Emerson’s and three litres of wine later, we were all on pretty good form and ready to proceed to the first destination – the Captain Cook Tavern.
Captain Cook
Rating: 2/5
Traditionally, the first stop on a Scarfie night out is the Cook. Despite the low rating, we genuinely hope rumours of this being the Cook’s last year aren’t true. A scummy sidewalk out front leads into the spacious bar area, where an undiscerning crowd awaits jugs of the infamous Cook Draught. Not keen on a jug? The Cook has some of the cheapest drinks deals in town.Arriving earlier in the night meant no drunken freshers, crying girls, or sticky floors. Instead, there were a few students enjoying the $4 Cook burger meals. But as time went by, in flowed the youth, squealing at the glorious music and tripping over themselves and the scuffed-up dance floor. When these girls stumbled off to the bathroom for selfies, they would have found no lights, no toilet paper, no toilet seats, no cubicle locks, and no soap. Pissing in the bushes would be a better option.
Though defined by its freshers, feral toilets, and Top 40 tunes, the Cook is a great place to start the night off: great staff, cheap food, cheap beer, and a sneaky pool game are all on the menu.
Critic’s walk to our next stop, Monkey Bar, involved some intellectual discussion of the age-old question: “If you were alone on a desert island with a 65-year-old of the opposite sex (or same, if you’re that way inclined), would you go there?” The answer among the interns was a resounding “yes.”
Monkey
Rating: 1/5
We all love to hate it. What with the sex pit and the excessive amount of horny, drunk, and lonely students striving to take a conquest home with them, who doesn’t wish this ex-church were open seven days? Luckily for Critic, we were spared the Monkey horror by not even getting in. The bouncers at Monkey are not your friends. They relish kicking out the innocent, asking hopefuls difficult questions like “How much have you had to drink?” and “How are you tonight?”Critic arrived at a completely empty Monkey and attempted to enter, only to be told by the bouncer that we should “line up behind the rope.” Callum’s response was, “Are you kidding me?” The bouncer growled, “You line up behind the rope or you don’t get in.” Callum calmly inquired as to whether the bouncer obtained satisfaction from exercising every speck of power afforded him by his minimum-wage job. The bouncer: “I probably earn more than you, I’m a full-time plumber.” Another Critic staff member joyfully chimed in, comparing the hapless doorman to “the poor man’s Super Mario.” We silently exchanged glances and reflected that, as unpaid news interns, we earned less than not only Callum and the bouncer, but also stay-at-home mums who make a few dollars a week selling reusable nappies on TradeMe.
Still, this church-cum-nightclub does have some fun ledges and multiple levels to dance on, even if said ledges are actually just an escape from the greasy grinders you are guaranteed to encounter (male and female!). Even if you’re too drunk to move, the Monkey décor is entertaining – gaze at the stained-glass windows or admire the beer-stained floors.
Vivace
Rating: 2/5
A new experience for most of us, this karaoke bar got the Critic crew belting out their best tunes. The real masterpieces we heard were Carly Rae ft. Critic Editor singing “Call Me Maybe,” the feature writers busting out “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne, and the rest of the strange crew telling us how they were “Born This Way.”The interns got a taste of sake here, where a bottle is $12 and enough for five people to get a shot each. The sake received mixed reviews, two of Critic’s staff members describing the taste as “used dishwater with hints of rancid spag bol.” The Vivace staff are friendly enough, but they also give the place a bit of a mum‘n’dad catering style. It’s their house, their rules – no drink, no song.
It got a little awkward toward the end when Critic illustrator Dan was discovered skulking in the corner with a different group of friends (life outside the office? How dare he!). Before long, eight of us were waiting in line ready to leave for the next bar, but the karaoke addicts decided they wanted the Real Slim Shady to please stand up and our poor ears had to withstand another five minutes of slurred, 50 Cent-esque rapping.
Fever Club
Rating: 3/5
Fever has its fans and followers. With old-school music, a pretty dance floor, cougar availability, and an opportunity to show off our pole dancing skills, Fever was a must-do on the Critic pub crawl. The music is a combination of classic 70s and 80s disco, mixed in with the odd Robbie Williams or S Club 7 hit. Groove the night away with cheap and delicious shakers that come in every colour of the rainbow, including brown. Even after twelve shakers, the Critic crew still hadn’t run out of things to toast to.Fever time came to an end when “Time Warp” welcomed an influx of obese middle-aged women to the dancefloor – a common danger of the Fever experience.
Rumours
Rating: 3/5
Despite its unfortunate location, just above Diamond Lounge, Rumours was one of the night’s favourite stops. Taylor Swift and Cheryl Cole take over the speakers as you walk up the stairs, while fur-lined bathroom walls make for the flashiest bar toilets in town. However, the lack of any toilet roll in the bathroom did leave us questioning what had been absorbed by those fur-lined toilet walls.Here our fourth intern, Thomas, joined us. He was late due to the Knox ball being on the same night, and it is safe to say he was smashed. One of the other interns, Jack, also found a dance buddy here who proceeded to smash a glass on the dance floor. Although quiet during our visit, we feel this place has the potential to get crazy. It’s another bar with an exciting light-up floor, and the barman takes all music requests.
Innocent Bystanders
Rating: 4/5
An excellent spot to both begin and end your night, IBs, as it is affectionately known, has a beautifully warm atmosphere, great cocktails, and fabulous bar staff. Even when it is really busy, you can still hear yourself and others speak, and the outdoor area has an awesome vibe. If you’re after a place to drink without doing the awkward-swaying-on-the-dance-floor-while-attempting-conversation thing, this is the place to go. Try the mojitos – they are delicious.The music here was questionable for the atmosphere, but we all love a bit of “Gold Digger” and “Drop It Like It’s Hot” in front of the fireplace. Maybe?
Albar
Rating: 3/5
Albar is Dunedin’s top Scottish bar, even beating out Robbie Burns. Enjoy a pre-Octy pint here from their impressive range of NZ and imported tap beers. New intern Josie was serenaded by a 40-year-old Irish man, Barry. When he asked for her number, she promptly replied “No, that’s a terrible idea.” Unfortunately, however, she invited him to join us at the Critic table, for which she received many abusive comments and “evil eyes.” Barry also delighted us with slurry stories about how he and his friend “moaning Thomas” demolish houses in the Christchurch Red Zone, but wouldn’t take up citizenship because the Queen gives medals to terrorists. Unfortunately last orders were called before he could continue this fascinating story.Glitter Grrl, our Lez Feminables columnist, met a guy who claimed to be able to do every accent in the world. It’s debatable whether he actually could – the more intoxicated Critic crew thought he was a genius, while the slightly sober ones thought he just had the ability to slur in different tones – either way, both are fun party tricks.
None of us remember what music was played here, due to the distraction of the old Irish men singing, but it’s an atmospheric spot where you’re sure to get some unusual conversation.
Pop
Rating: 2/5
Pretty average music, and unfortunately the DJ wasn’t open to requests, but Pop has a unique vibe. The night we went was quiet, but get here late on a Saturday and you can barely move. If you’re a smoker, it has a sneaky outdoor smoking area full of dodgy-looking people with great yarns.The shakers here were delicious, and everybody thoroughly enjoyed them until we started on the pineapple flavour – it turns out one of the news interns, Jamie, is allergic to pineapple. Luckily the juice contains about two per cent actual pineapple, but even the smashed Critic lot got a bit concerned when she commented that her lips felt like they were on fire. Note to Editor: check on allergies for next year’s lot.
The toilets here were reminiscent of a low-rent ocean liner. With shared boy/girl toilets, the manoeuvring required for a guy in a cubicle this size explained why the girls have to expend significant energy to avoid standing in the pool of urine that didn’t quite make it to the toilet.
After a very successful pub crawl, good bonding time for the Critic crew, and too many drinks, the interns’ night ended at Pop Bar.
***
We know we missed some favourite stops on this crawl, but the night is only so long and the ones we missed were the fairly predictable venues. However, we thought we’d still give you a quick review on a few more:
10 Bar
Gets packed after the other bars start to close at three, so get there a bit earlier to avoid the insane queues and maybe even get a shot on the DJ’s stage before the freshers try to cram in and pretend they’re enjoying grinding in each other’s sweatThe Break
You either love it or hate it. It’s another bar with fun walls, has its own photo booth, and is the only bar that gets a smiley face for toilet standards. Decent-priced drinks, fun staff, and a great mix of music when Jake (at the Break!) is the DJ. This is often a top spot to end the night when it’s a really late one – they don’t close until 6am.The Baa
Nestled in the sordid depths of North Dunedin, the Baa does a good job of providing entertainment through the week, with Tuesday quiz nights a hot ticket. On your average night out, it’s a bit inconvenient if you’re not living near fatty lane, but …***
THE GRAPES OF RAETH
With Thomas Raethel
“As the solitary fresher on the pub crawl, I can offer a unique but hazy recollection of the night. After overindulging on whisky at the Knox Ball, I left early in order to secure more than just a footnote in this article. Larnach Castle looks very pretty on Google Images right now, but was predictably underwhelming in pitch blackness. After chucking back a few glasses of chardy, I proceeded to dance. I’m no Fred Astaire when I’m sober, and unfortunately it appears that inebriation transforms me into a drunken father at his daughter’s 21st.“After consuming mini samosas and delicious haggis from the catering table, my work was done, so I jumped on the first bus back. After arriving in town and stumbling across my colleagues, my memories have combined into a single amorphous mass. Hopefully one day the other interns can fill in the gaps for me. As my Kinsey Scale rating skyrockets under the influence, a gay bar called Rumours was not a wise first destination by any means. A blur of mediocre but satisfactory bars followed, and thankfully, the night ended on a leather couch in Jack’s flat (a walk through the gardens to Knox was not an attractive proposition at the time).
“Waking up surrounded by strangers can be very alarming, but Jack’s flatmates were very nice and gave me a much-needed cup of black coffee. I proceeded on my arduous walk of shame back to Knox, with obscure details of the night torturing me as I stumbled down George Street.”