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FUCK! Shit shit shit. Ow. Just stubbed my toe. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty clumsy and this happens to me on a regular basis. Swearing is an instinctive reaction to pain, but did you know that it can actually lessen the pain you feel? It’s true – Stephen Fry told me so – and it’s known as “stress-induced analgesia.” But how does it work?

You feel pain for a reason. That sounds pretty morbid, but it’s important to know if something is damaged so you can do something about it. If you put your hand on a hot stove, pain will make you pull it away so you don’t burn yourself further. If you cut your foot, pain will make you stop and put a Bandaid on, so you don’t lose blood/get an infection. Pain is pretty useful, really.

But there are times when there are bigger things going on than that cut foot. Like a lion. Running away from a lion is of a slightly higher priority than stopping to bandage your booboo. And this is where your brain starts to prioritise. Hormones are released in your brain when you see a lion, known as the “fight or flight response,” which override the pain signals being sent from your foot. Your brain knows that if you don’t get away from the lion ASAP, that cut foot will be the least of your worries.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, swearing is an emotive response, and it turns out it also activates this “fight or flight” mode. While maybe not to the same extent as a lion, it is enough to result in some stress-induced analgesia. Cool, huh? Swearing makes things hurt less!

But, there’s a catch. If you shit cunts swear all the fucking time it doesn’t work nearly as fucking well, because they become just another fucking word and not emotive at all. Shit. Just like other painkillers, swearing is most effective if used sparingly.

I am aware there are some truly foul-mouthed Scarfies in this town. Is there any hope for you if you bang your funny-bone? Well, you could always rub it out. The affected area, I mean. There are a whole lot of different nerves in your skin, and different ones detect things like heat, pressure, touch, vibration and pain. When you hit your elbow, it activates the “pain” nerves, and they send signals to your brain. But if you rub your elbow, it will start sending off “touch,” “pressure,” and “heat” signals too, which can override the pain signals coming from your elbow. If you succeed, your brain doesn’t get the pain signals, and your elbow feels fine. That’s science, bitches.