News

The Otago Daily Times has officially jumped the shark, reporting on the efforts of a heroic Dunedin trash vigilante.

A full eight days before April Fools’, the ODT ran a story entitled “Rubbish dumper made to clean up.” The story was penned by the same reporter responsible for February’s daring gonzo article on mobility scooters, who decided to up the ante and take on the growing menace of relatively inoffensive abandoned rubbish.

After several full DCC bags were dumped outside his property, concerned resident Terry Hickling decided to sift through the bags in search of clues. Eight eggshells, two dead rats and a used condom later, he had found his perpetrators.
The diabolical mastermind behind the rubbish had made a fatal mistake, disposing of a speeding ticket and some student loan balance sheets in the laughably naive belief that nobody would dig around in rancid garbage to uncover the mystery of a few bags that the local council would have taken away regardless. Checkmate, fool.

After contacting the police (!) and being told that, no, the students responsible would not be placed in the stocks for their crime, Hickling went to the Independent Voice of the South and became the subject of a fawning article, complete with “before” and “after” photos of the rubbish and its successful removal.

A timid interjection from the Council that people should avoid disembowelling full rubbish bags in a rampant quest for justice was grudgingly included. However, the following paragraph in the article commenced with the word “however.”

In a rare act of public service, Critic decided to help the ODT in its quest to reinforce negative stereotypes of Dunedin students, and hit campus to find the most offensive and antisocial reactions to the article.

“Fuck society, the world is my dustbin!” yelled a Commerce student as he defecated on a burning couch.

Others were more circumspect. “This just goes to show that you should always dispose of rubbish properly,” said a Studholme College resident, lurking suspiciously beside a dumpster with a miscellaneous bundle in her arms.

If you find rubbish outside your flat, please contact shawn.mcavinue@odt.co.nz.