News

Mature student and ex-University of Otago dropout Joe Stockman has been appointed to the position of Critic Editor 2012

It is unclear when Stockman began his tenure as an Otago student, as the faded papyrus records of his original enrollment have faded beyond repair. However, his references to the Otago Russian Department, and memories of sneaking into the female tower at Uni Col, for “a bit of how’s-your-father”, suggest that it may have been some time during the Roaring Twenties. Stockman’s impressive writing credentials include covering the Boer War for the Telegraph, and a short stint speech writing for Michael Joseph Savage.
 
Current Critic Editor Julia Hollingsworth commented on Stockman’s appointment saying, “It was an accident really. He just kept talking in his interview about a trip he took to Rhodesia and his love of mushy peas. By the time I had woken up, all the other applicants had given up waiting”.
 
Meanwhile, 2011 editor Hollingsworth is said to be returning to high school to finally achieve NCEA Level One, with plans to follow a career in journalism as soon as she learns how to drive.
 
The handover from Hollingsworth to Stockman has been plagued by communication difficulties, with Stockman’s insistence on taking a nap every two hours slowing the process considerably. Stockman was stumped when Hollingsworth asked him to “update the Facebook page and possibly check out what’s happening on Twitter”. Some hours later Stockman was observed wandering around campus rubbing his face against a copy of the King James Bible whilst making bird noises and masticating furiously. Police declined to charge him on the grounds of senile dementia.
 
When questioned about his life prior to joining Critic, Stockman seemed confused and disorientated, asking what time Coronation Street was on tonight. After rummaging through his pockets, staff discovered a card asking that Stockman be returned to the Leith Valley Retirement Home.
 
It’s expected that Critic will head in a new direction next year; with proposed inclusions including a “Dealing with your incontinence” column, and a “Young people should sit the fuck down and listen” weekly feature. Stockman apparently has big plans for using “the Internets” to connect with Critic readers, saying “apparently you can communicate with people on the other side of campus through this world-wide-web they’ve got going nowadays”.
 
Several current staff refused to grace Stockman’s appointment with comment, saying that they had grave concerns about putting an 80-year old in the top job.