It’s the third year of the pandemic and everyone’s still horny as hell. The safest option is masturbation, but if you’re sick of ringing the devil’s doorknob or strangling your meat flute and want some partner play then boy, you’re not alone. If the previous euphemisms didn’t make your gonads shrivel up and die, here’s how to get it on during Omicron.
For in-person partner play:
The Masked Singer
You both wear head-to-toe PPE with whatever cutouts necessary. As per the namesake, this performance only lasts 90 seconds. Record your partner in your Covid app (you better still have your Covid app) under a codename. When you get Omicron, you get to drop fun and sneaky hints to the contact tracers about your fling’s real identity! They’ll get such a kick out of being able to play along and figure it out. You can even repeat this with multiple partners and vote for your favourite after! Or during!
The ‘reach for the SARS’
All you need for this sensual and appropriately distanced rendez-vous is a one metre long claw grabber toy and a little creativity. Sure, a spring-loaded plastic dinosaur head on a stick might not be “the norm” for an erotic couples massage, but light some scented candles, stand 1m apart, and use your now elongated super limb to grab at whatever is in reach!
The ‘stay in your bubble’
Step one: acquire one Zorb for each person. Step two: strip fully naked and seal yourself into your Zorb nice and tight. Step three: lock eye contact and masturbate vigorously at each other. Warning: do not at any point use lube while in your wankzorb as you may slip and slide around within like a human Keno Powerball, with the possibility of never escaping your bouncy, spherical horny jail.
The R-value
Are you an shower or an exponential grower? While love is often represented with a heart symbol, in this case a pyramid is much more fitting. Why sleep with four partners yourself when you can get two partners to then each fuck two others, and then the subpartners can each fuck two more, and so on. It’s an effective way to decrease your exposure to potential contacts, while ensuring a consistent net gain of members in your Poon-zi scheme. It’s basically like generating passive income, except, y’know, in cum.
For distanced couples:
The Handmaid’s Tale
Use this lockdown to make a statement on the subjugation of women’s bodies! Note: you will need the help of a friend who is okay with being completely stripped of their agency and essentially treated as an object. Simply video call your partner for an e-fuck from any location, duct tape your phone to your friend’s face, and have at it! For best results, get your partner to do the same on their end. Having sex via proxy is so in right now. Autocratic dystopia? More like WHOREtocratic dysHOEpia!
The burnin’ rubber
Secure a dildo to a remote control car that can be operated from a distance, mediaeval jousting style, and take your best shot. For more experienced players, why not tie a bunch of bullet vibrators to a drone? Fuck it, just tie a hex bug to a bit of string and go nuts.
The 75°C
Get to fourth base via third degree burns! Recent studies show that Covid-19 can be partially thermally inactivated at high temperatures, so get hot and heavy by simply heating one or both partners to a steamy 75°C for three minutes or more! It doesn’t get hotter than this one, folks. Seriously, it doesn’t, because you will definitely get hyperthermia and sizzle your brain meat.
No, seriously:
Get good at sexting
For a lot of folks, arousal has a spoken or written component as well as a visual one. Sexting and dirty talk are always awkward at first, but start mild and build up slowly. Don’t just describe an action scene – include compliments or how that action would make you feel. Most importantly, ask what your partner likes! Sexting can be a really great opportunity to talk about turn ons/turn offs, boundaries, kinks, fantasies – the only way to find out is to ask.
Be an adult and buy a dildo
Sex toys have tons of applications for distanced couples as well as your everyday ones, so why not get your first one in iso or just add to your collection? If you have a vulva, try an insertable classic vibrator if you’re not sure what you’re after, or a clit-suction vibrator like a Satisfyer if you want something that simulates oral. Some even offer suction or can be set to vibrate to music. I have enabled you to get off on DnB now, and I hate myself for it. For penises, strokers are cheaper and more discreet versions of fleshlights that come in all kinds of models. Oh, and use lube, people!
Self love
If you can’t wait until this outbreak has passed its peak to get off, c’mon, just be celibate and wank your way through Hoemicron like the rest of us. Try a new way to masturbate – either a new method, or new material. We’ve covered sex toys, but why not try getting off? With lube, in the shower, with both hands, while caressing your body, while humping a pillow, lying on your back/side/front, wearing socks (it’s meant to help with circulation or something), over clothes, after dancing to music and putting on something sexy because you fucking deserve to romance yourself. As for what to cum to, there’s more options than you’d think. Options include drawn porn (comics, hentai, all sorts), erotica, or audio porn, which is seriously underrated. Worst case scenario you clear your history, best case you discover something new!