Aries
For the entire month of May, drawing hopscotch on the pavement next to Union lawn will have the same effect as drawing a pentagram to summon demons — except instead of Balthazar the Belligerent, you’ll be summoning up new friends!
Taurus
Ever feel like your friends are planning something without you? This month, they are. Make a nuisance of yourself until you’ve either forced them to tell you what they’re up to, or they are no longer your friends.
Gemini
O kay, so you got barred from the exotic massage industry for being “too handsy” (who knew that was even a thing?) That’s okay — it just means that Mars has won its battle with Neptune for your career path and now you’re doomed to a job in retail forever.
Cancer
Venus reaches the apex of your romance alignment this week; time to throw caution into the wind and wear your heart on your sleeve. Even if the feelings aren’t mutual, at least you tried. If you get shot down in flames, pizza will be the cure.
Leo
Beware the change range menu at McDonald’s this month. A single apple pie eaten in a moment of weakness on a Thursday night will lead to a lifetime of addiction. The same goes for creamy mayo cheeseburgers (a.k.a. “the Devil buns”).
Virgo
Placing a blue feather in your hat/headband/bandana this week will bring you good fortune. If you are not in possession of a blue feather DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING ELSE ON YOUR HEAD.
Libra
You should gather all of your friends around and throw a surprise party for your chums born between 21 April and 21 May! Even if these Taureans are suspicious, don’t give anything away!
Scorpio
If you show interest in two opposing clubs (e.g. Young Nats and Campus Greens) this week, they are sure to fight over you for membership. Nothing will make you feel more powerful than being promised a slice of vegan carrot cake every Monday for your loyalty and support.
Sagittarius
You’ve been through a lot lately — it’s time to treat yo’self and go on a one-person date, the likes of which your ex/current partner could never have dreamed of. A cheesecake will lead you to heaven, and a musical will rejuvenate your soul.
Capricorn
This is the time for preparation. Study schedules, star charts, brainstorms, mind maps … These are the only things that should matter to you from now on as Saturn has finally moved out of your learning horizon.
Aquarius
While you may be focusing on fun and frivolity this week, some games are better than others. Take heed of Jenga — it is full of dark magic and mystical powers. Stick to the more wholesome games of Blackjack and Texas Hold ’Em until the danger passes.
Pisces
Isee the celestial body of Betelgeuse in your finance sector. While paying off old debts may have made you as poor as Jaden Smith’s acting skills, if you struggle along on your Mi Goreng for another two weeks, your bank balance will get back into shape.