Culture

Rating: 0/5

W hen student, Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), improbably interviews icy billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), she finds herself trapped in a downward spiral of kinky sex and utter tediousness. We’re unfortunately in for a ride too, one that would send insomniacs to sleep.

The film goes from a comfortably boring melodrama about pretty people in dull apartments to an offensive endorsement of sexual violence. Jamie Dornan plays the most unlikeable film protagonist since Hitler in Triumph of the Will. Why do people even care about Christian Grey? His tacked on emotional scarring makes no sense in the film and comes far too late in the day; we’ve already given up on a man who can easily compare his own desire for a disturbing sex weekend with the starving millions in Africa!

Dakota Johnson is a shining beacon of light amidst this utter dross but even she is hamstrung, playing a character so badly written. Also, I can’t help but wonder why has this popular, attractive, outgoing, young woman never had sex? How does she not know what butt plugs are? She’s at university!

Also, isn’t the sex meant to be amazing? Isn’t it meant to provoke our desires and look like the ultimate erotic fantasy come to life? If foreplay were allowed to be that quick and effortless then here’s some advice for all of you: do it in the kitchen! You can boil an egg in the meantime! The sex can only work if we were engaged with the characters and their relationship but there was no chemistry and no spark between the two characters; 50 Shades of Grey is a film that is supposed to based on an unhealthy romance, you’d think that besides the abuse, that there would be some chemistry! On a similar note–the male/female nudity ratio is so out of whack that it becomes ridiculous. Seemingly, Christian Grey hasn’t got a penis–aside from being one.

With a colour palette thought up by a five year-old and plodding pacing in the mix, don’t even bother.