The Eagle’s Alternative Budget
Liberty-lovers rejoice, the Eagle’s back! Socialists, drop your copies of Das Kapital and The Spirit Level and run to the only place you can hide – the state houses of Corstophine, where the aura of welfare dependency and mediocrity saps the Eagle of his powers.
Yes, the Eagle’s back with a vengeance, and more liberal than ever. Your winged hero is outraged by the failure of the 2012 Budget to curb NZ’s rampant socialism, and has swooped down from his mountain fortress to claw some sense into NZ’s economic policy.
The NZ government is currently $50billion in debt, an inevitable consequence of unconstrained democracy, which encourages governments to spend lavishly to buy votes. Although National is not as fiscally reckless as Labour, the Government is still spending $73.7b per year, while taking $69.2b in revenue.
Governments are like a developmentally-disabled mother hen who, instead of letting her chicks just eat their own food, insists on eating it on their behalf then regurgitating it into the chicks’ mouths. Some of the food is lost along the way, and the final product is far less satisfying than if the mother hen had just kept her beak out of it.
The Eagle’s Alternative Budget will hunt down the rodents of wasteful spending and tear them to shreds with the talons of economic efficiency:
- Working For Families and any other dysgenics (google it) schemes that pay people to breed – $3.12b saved, not to mention ensuring that the next generation is conceived out of love rather than greed.
- The dole, the DPB, “accommodation assistance”, and half of the sickness benefit – dole-bludgers don’t deserve $4.57b to sit on the couch and watch Jeremy Kyle.
- Student allowances, interest-free student loans, and university fee subsidies – $4.31b saved. University is a self-interested choice, and should not be subsidised by taxpayers.
- Housing New Zealand – shut it down and put the state houses on Trademe. The government is not your mother, it doesn’t owe you a house. $1b saved per year.
- Public broadcasting – taxpayers don’t need to fund The GC, Go Girls, and other such vacuous tributes to intellectual ineptitude. State-run media belongs in North Korea, not New Zealand. $150m saved. Cut film subsidies to save another $106m.
- $14billion per year is currently sucked into the black hole of the Ministry of Health. Privatise every last defibrillator; the Eagle’s tax cuts will allow people to easily buy health insurance with cash left over.
- Te Puni Kōkiri and the Ministry of Pacific Island Affairs – $277m of race-based spending saved and given back to eaglets of all the colours of the rainbow.
- The $4.4b of new spending from the 2012 budget. Now’s not the time for extravagant new spending.
- It’s time for rail transport to go the way of telegraphs and VCRs, especially the $250m “Kiwirail turnaround plan”. Kiwirail is a rusted pile of junk with a cringeworthy name cynically designed to arouse patriotism. All the turntables on the Island of Sodor couldn’t turn it around. Savings: $581m.
- ACC is a failed experiment. Sell it off and open up the accident insurance industry to competition, and listen to the sweet, sweet sound of lawsuits being filed. Savings: $3.18b.
- Thanks to NZ’s $50b debt, we’re currently paying $3.65b per year just to keep the repo men out of Parliament. The Eagle recommends asset sales that will make National’s look as inconsequential as a Briscoes sale.
- “Warm Up New Zealand” – sappy name, stupid policy. The only thing it’s warming is the Eagle’s blood. $100m saved.
The Eagle’s brilliant, economically liberal budget provides savings of $35.2billion, which allows the Eagle to abolish income tax and company tax, with $300m left over. Not bad for a day’s work. This includes savings of $180m from taxpayer auditing, since there’s nothing left for the taxman to audit.
Socialists beware, the Eagle is still watching over Dunedin with sharp eyes, and will not tolerate any attempts to harm liberty. Expect a few more guest columns next semester.
You are the wind beneath my wings,
– The Eagle