Columns

This week in scarfie shenanigans: increased nudity! As the days grow colder, one man seemed to feel the need to fight his developing winter blubber: He was spotted running naked up the Dundas hill one crisp Friday evening. The current theory as to why is eyebrows. Witnesses reported that he seemed unperturbed by his state, possibly because of a development in the “eyebrows” game that we were unaware of – it turns out that if you successfully complete the task you were “eyebrowsed” into doing, your eyebrowser must complete a similar challenge or shave their eyebrow. A disgruntled second naked runner is expected on Dundas soon after this is published.

In further nude news, a young man has been reprimanded by his college for revealing his nether regions to a crowd of fellow freshers. A conversation arose regarding the size of his endowment, and after “at least forty minutes” of nagging, a little forced porn-watching and some “stretching” the meat sword in question was shown in its full glory. We hope it was a sight worth waiting for, because the college admin are apparently not in favour of a repeat showing.

The antics of horny freshers aren’t limited to just one college, with both Selwyn and Carrington having hops over the weekend. I think we know which one got more carnal: That’s right, apparently a couple of C-towners got their dirty dance on and bumped pelvises through clothing. We are shocked and appalled. Surely Selwyn, one of the fresher bastions of tradition and sound morals, would never stoop to such levels. But no; their weekend was described as a “cultish orgy”.

In other college news, Salmond’s Master Bruce Cowan told the Otago Daily Times this week that they “are not dealing with drunk students any more … they don’t overdo the consumption.” This seems an astonishing feat considering the rumours of unlimited alcohol at their ball on the weekend, but we have to keep in mind that compared to those crazy cats at the other halls, even the Castle/Dundas region looks tame. Naked running man? Try a hundred and sixty of them crammed into a tiny room, their skinny hipster hipbones swaying to their own college band. Yes, Selwyn is definitely cultish.

– Josie Adams