Features

A golden stool
 
Throughout history, the British are well known for not giving a flying fuck about the customs and traditions of natives. Back in 1900 an African state called the Ashanti Empire had a sacred golden stool that essentially embodied the spirit of nation as a whole (including both everyone dead and yet to be born) and, most importantly for the British, contained the authority of the chief. A few years before, the Ashanti king had been exiled, leaving them without a chief. Naturally, the British governor of the region rocked up to the capital and informed them that since their lands were ruled by the Queen, they should go and get that stool so he could plant his arse on it and have a jolly good show.
 
This went down with the locals about as well as Ke$ha’s music goes down with anyone who isn’t missing a few chromosomes. The locals brutally attacked the British, who got quite smacked up and had to retreat to a fort which was then besieged by a force of 12,000 pissed-off locals for about three months. The British finally brought in some more troops and a bit of artillery, thereby breaking the siege. As punishment, the British then went on to fuck the place up, destroying towns, murdering villagers and “liberating” land. But even after all that, the British still didn’t manage to sit on that stool.
 
 
A pig
 
After the American Revolution, things between the Americans and British were a little bit tender. San Juan Island, situated between Vancouver Island (British Columbia) and Washington State, was right in the middle of a boundary claim between the two sides. Basically, a small number of Americans and employees of the Hudson Bay (a massive British trading company) both occupied the land and things got a bit testy when one of the pigs, who was owned by an Irishman employed by Hudson Bay, was shot by one of the Americans for rummaging through his garden. The American offered to pay for the pig but the Irishman demanded more.

Things got heated. The British went to arrest the American but he called for military aid. Fearing they’d lose the island, the British sent a few warships. Finally, there was a bit of a showdown between half a dozen British warships and several thousand troops against a dozen American cannons with around 500 troops. No shots were fired, however, and it was later agreed that they both would have joint occupation of the land. No doubt this was celebrated over some tea, crumpets and bacon butties.
 

A stray dog
 
In 1925, relations between Greece and Bulgaria were explosive due to Bulgaria breaking away and all. Both had been weakened after the First World War and there was an awkward ceasefire between the two. That’s until a sentry dog broke away from one of the Greek soldiers to cross the border into Bulgaria. Frantically, the soldier chased the dog only to be shot by Bulgarian border guards. Thus began “The War of the Stray Dog”. Another conflict followed, resulting in around fifty deaths. Just when everyone thought that an all-out war was going to burst out, the League of Nations (old-school UN) stepped in and resolved the problem. No one knows what happened to the dog. Critic speculates that it probably lived on to help contribute to the beginning of WWII.
 

Alcohol
 
Sultan Selim II, also known as “Selim the Drunkard”, was leader of the Ottoman Empire around 500 years ago. His two favourite things were drinking and writing some epic poetry about his presumably epic drinking. Also, according to Wikipedia, “Selim II became the first Sultan devoid of active military interest and willing to abandon power to his ministers, provided he was left free to pursue his orgies and debauches”. Sounds like a quiet night in Dunners.

At some point they started running out of wine. Legend has it that one of Selim’s friends suggested that they invade Cyprus to get some more commandaria, a damn good famous wine at the time that’s still made today. This is basically like your friend suggesting to you to go to Countdown and gun down everyone, then set fire to the place, just to get some more goon. Selim II, possibly saying “yeah, I could kill for a glass of wine”, then gave the green light to invade Cyprus, causing around 20,000 locals to be slaughtered and triggering a series of other conflicts with enormous casualties. Was it worth it? You be the judge.