Towards the end of last year, facing the rapidly approaching Studylink allowance cut-off date, I came to the realisation that I needed a job, and fast. One night after a few too many drinks, and a game of truth or dare that went too far, I found myself waking up the next morning with not only a hangover but also a job on the bar at one of the finest establishments Dunedin’s nightlife has to offer: Stilettos. Having never set foot in a strip club before my first night on the job I was unsure how to prepare myself for this experience, but when I arrived the women were friendly which made it easy to settle in.
Although my stint at Stilettos was short-lived it was a fun and easy-going gig, and beyond that it was really quite a fascinating opportunity for people watching; the character profiles of certain patrons whom I served while working on the bar have provided me with enough material to write a pilot episode for a late-night television comedy; instead I have settled with an article for Critic. Here are some of the most outstanding ones, and should you decide to visit such an establishment, please do take note.
The Blatant Students
The Blatant Students are mostly 18-20 year olds who are clearly very excited about the prospect of being inside a strip club. They have scraped together $20 of their weekly student allowance to pay the door charge, and because of this they make the mistake of thinking that they are entitled behave as they please. They usually come in groups of 5-10 and sit as close to the stage as possible. It is common knowledge that strip club etiquette requires tipping. If you aren’t tipping, you shouldn’t be there – if this is you then you’re better off just going to a normal bar and watching town-goer women who frolic about wearing next-to-nothing for free. The blatant students come in grinning and gleeful. They order one drink; “what’s cheap here? Oh yup I’ll get a cruiser then” and then after having to be strongly prompted, will begrudgingly agree to buy some tipping money too. The amount of times I have had to tell The Blatant Student that “no, you cannot have that in ones” is ridiculous. Don’t be one of the Blatant Students. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone involved.
The Couple
Going by my careful observations, statistically, boyfriend-and-girlfriend visits to a strip club end in a fight 99.9 percent of the time. The visit starts off fine; clearly their relationship is rock-solid, and she is a ‘real chill girl’ (“I’m not a regular girlfriend, I’m a cool girlfriend”). Fast-forward to after a few more rounds, and Chill-Girl is having a meltdown because Faithful Boyfriend has, god forbid, tipped one of the dancers, and as a result Chill-Girl is now leaning over the bar and through angry tears is demanding that I tell her if I think that the dancers are hotter than her. Unfortunately the bouncer views this as harassment, so she is quickly removed, followed by a very uncomfortable and apologetic Faithful Boyfriend, who clearly would rather hang around here than go home and deal with the aftermath of what was meant to be a fun night out. Moral of the story: If you’re heading to the strip club, go with the lads! Go with the girls! Perhaps even go on your own! But for the greater good of everyone involved, do not go with your significant other. It is a recipe for disaster.
The Awkward Guy
The Awkward Guy is one of the most commonly profiled characters of all the Stilettos patrons. He almost looks innocent, like finding himself in a strip club and stumbling across all these women dancing naked was some sort of accident, entirely unintentional. You’re not fooling anyone, Awkward Guy, I think to myself as he approaches the bar. “Could I also get some of that… you know…ah… funny money?” he asks, obviously wanting to request some tipping money in addition to the drink he just ordered. Clearly I know what he is referring to, however I feign a look of puzzlement for a few moments and after letting the discomfort build and watching him become more and more flustered I say, “Oh, are you referring to the in-house currency? Yes of course. How would you like that? In twos or fives?” This isn’t the place for euphemisms, Awkward Guy. We are both adults in a strip club, just ask for the damn tipping dollars.
The “When’s-It-Your-Turn” Guy
Personally, I just think that the “whens it your turn guy” is plain selfish. There are many women out on the floor that he has the privilege of choosing from, yet he tries his luck on the only one that isn’t available to de-robe. “When’s it your turn” Guy has a leery grin and uneven stubble, and most of his time in the club is spent sliming over the bar knocking back drinks in order to be able to keep paying for more excuses to talk to me. Don’t be the “When’s It Your Turn” Guy. It’s creepy and rude.
The “Would-You-Be -Interested-In-Doing -Private-Dances-For-Me-At-My-House” Guy
- I am not a dancer
- Absolutely not
- This reads far more like a court case in the making than a request for a home lap-dance
The “I-Don’t-Usually Come-To-Places-Like- This” Guy
I’m not sure how this is meant to be of interest to anyone. Who are you trying to convince here? Even if that is true, there’s no need to mention it in a way that suggests you’ve got some kind of a grip on a moral high ground, or maybe you’re just the type to constantly preach your self-righteousness. No one here cares about the status of how often you visit a revue bar; so long as you buy drinks, tip the dancers and behave yourself, you’re all the same to us.
The Awful Misogynistic Nightmare Guy
This guy is the worst kind of person regardless of whether he is encountered in or outside of the club. He comfortably refers to women as “bitches” and can definitely identify with the term “Meninist”. It is unclear what went wrong in Awful Misogynistic Nightmare Guy’s life for him to end up like this, and he probably shouldn’t be allowed out in on a Saturday night un-chaperoned, let alone be allowed into a strip club. It only takes one crude remark for this guy to be removed hastily by the bouncer, a very much deserved kicking to the curb. Unfortunately, Awful Misogynistic Nightmare Guy is a reasonably common example of how many men behave towards women who work in establishments such as Stilettos. Working at a strip club is a choice, and women who choose to do it do so on their own terms; on top of that, they probably make more in a night than your shitty part-time minimum-wage café job pays in a fortnight.
So we’ve learned that strip clubs are fun. They’re exciting. They’re full of scantily clad women, and men awkwardly shuffling to the bathroom after getting a private lap dance. But they also attract a lot of really negative stigma and assumptions. Don’t be derivative of Awful Misogynistic Nightmare Guy. Regardless of whether you intend to visit a strip club or not, no one has a perfectly clean record, therefore no one deserves to be positioning themselves on a metaphorical throne of moral superiority; if you’re critical about the idea of strippers, just keep that to yourself.
These women may be strippers, but given that a lot of them are students, it is not unheard of that they could go on to become doctors, CEOs, lawyers and world-class surgeons (Google it. There are reputable articles written about ex sex-workers who are high profile, corporate professionals now). Some people might consider it “wrong” but what’s also wrong is your child slave-labor produced Nikes, your factory farmed pork, and the emissions that your car produces while it’s burning fuels that fund wars.