Features

I'm no prostitute, but I did sell my body. In light of recent tales in the Sex Issue, I think I could have done worse, but I'll leave that up to you.

Dunedin has a good little industry going for it, one not of the chocolate or dishwasher varieties. Pharmaceuticals is where it’s at. Zenith Technologies of North Dunedin trials drugs. I was involved in a trial for a tablet and capsule form of a drug called Esomeprazole, a Proton Pump Inhibitor (PPI) used in the treatment of conditions associated with too much stomach acid. Think Losec.
 
The process of getting oneself onto one of these money-making machines is very simple. Register for email updates about upcoming trials and turn up to a reading of the contract when required. In between there will be a pre-blood test, medical evaluation, urine drug testing, and for the ladies, a few pregnancy tests.
 
While waiting for my health check, I meet a new friend. We are now BFFs. I highly recommend this as it will make the hours spent getting your blood drained in the lumpy hospital beds simply fly by. Good chat will do that. Plus when you faint in that final hour, there is someone to carry your bags down to the shuttle.
 
Walking into the Zentech clinical site on a Friday night for the first of two weekend excursions, I have my laptop, some headphones and a few books. I am in control. This is important. They may be using your blood to manage stomach secretions, but you're using them for coin, unlimited internet (if you get onto the network before the limit fills up) and a warm, though very uncomfortable, sleep.
 
The “clinical site” turns out to be nothing more than 30 beds in a room. It’s like Big Brother. Down the corridor, there are the usual amenities of some bathrooms and a TV room. There are 15 boys and 13 girls that I can count from my bed – all students. Everyone has laptops (the gamers even brought a TV and games console) and most are wearing designer, yet comfy, get-ups. I can't help but think that if we really needed $600 our parents would give/loan it to us. But that comes with baggage. This is just needles. Eleven o'clock is lights out, but I rebel and continue to watch No Strings Attached. Great watch.
 
There are two digital clocks on the walls that flash the time as it changes every second. I got to know them pretty well that night as I tossed and turned in my lumpy bedset. Fell asleep at approximately 2.45.08 to the sweet sound of vibrating soft palates. I was expecting some snoring from the boys, but the sheer variety on offer was impressive. I even made up names for them. There were some elephant trumpeteers - think that sound the animal makes when they spray water over themselves – and then some more. Ape, nay gorilla-like growls, short in quantity, also cut the sleeping silence like a blunt, Stone Age tool. Mad respect to the sleeptalkers who expressed concern for their boys throughout the night, at one point asking, “Are you alright, bro?”
 
We are woken at 6.40am to have a last drink of water before our cannulas are inserted. Cannulas are little instruments that allow the blood technicians free access to your veins. I couldn't watch them put them in, but I can honestly say they don't hurt too much as long as you have good veins. If you don't, you're farked.
 
Goal for today: fill 24 x 8ml vials of my blood over 14 hours. Leave triumphantly at 22:00. Oh, but for those hours in between.
 
It is 8:05:32 when the first person pulls out after having consumed the capsule (tablet form next week). One of the gamers in the corner, he says he forgot that he had to go and pick his mum up from the airport. Gamers – 0. Non-gamers – 1.
 
By 10am, I am feeling the effects of the drug and in true Vitamin C-shelving form, my leg starts to shake. Totes got the real deal here. Find it hard to focus on my readings, so opt to sleep off the “buzz”. Just kidding, short of some stomach growling and a bit of silent flatulence, there were no side effects. This is lucky considering that side effects at other drug trials have included extreme vomiting, sleeping the whole time, psychotic episodes and, in the testing of a certain anti-dimensia drug, a whole lot of nostalgia for childhood experiences and the rapid recollection of information that had been studied that day.
 
The little issue of enforced fasting should also be noted. From the time you enter the facility until 1pm the next day, you are not allowed to eat anything. Needless to say 1pm and 6pm (the feeding times) are the highlights of the day. If you don't like a hearty roast, opt for the vego. Meat and four veg can come over a little heavy sometimes. Top notch apple pie, ice cream and custard combo though!
 
Blood continues to be drained, but the rate slows down. By 8 o'clock that night, it's down to two hourly intervals, as opposed to the quarter-hourly you start off with. Then we're outta there. That's one weekend down, one to go.
 
As it turns out, everything runs according to plan the next week right down to the Shepherd's Pie they serve for dinner. That's control for you. Of course, I am leaving out the failed cannula insertions, the hot water bottles and the fainting but you don't need to know about that. All you need to know is on Monday, me got paid.