University is meant to be fun and exciting but, let's be real, sometimes it can feel like a horror show. And just like any good slasher flick, recently it’s been giving us more than our fair share of cuts.
So, for the fearless among us: are you curious about what lurks behind the shadows of the arts building? Do you ever wonder what kind of deadly potions are being invented in the science labs? Would your degree be enough to survive a frightful blockbuster, or would you become the next victim of this slasher’s bloody blade?
COMPUTER SCIENCE:
You guys (apologies to the three female computer science students, you can ignore this) are so fixated on League of Legends that a demonic entity could be looming behind you and you wouldn't bat an eye. Your body odour, the stench of a decaying corpse covered in Lynx, could make even the blood-thirstiest murderer run for the hills. But hey, if sacrificing your social life and hygiene means you get to outsmart the killer and make it to the end credits, maybe it’s worth it after all. At least until the sequel comes out…
Outcome: Survive (by accident)
ART HISTORY:
Congratulations, you're the first to identify the symbolism in the mask of the killer - a quality that would make any Scream fan proud. However, your extensive knowledge of art history won't help you when a dagger-wielding maniac puts 34 holes in your chest cavity quicker than you can say “Dadaism”. Sure, you might have a sharp eye for colour theory and the Mona Lisa, but those talents won't save you from a Freddy Krueger-style nightmare.
Outcome: Die first
PHILOSOPHY:
You’ll be too busy contemplating the moral ambiguity of the monster trying to kill you to actually do anything about it. Picture this: a killer clown is approaching with a chainsaw and, rather than running for your lives, philosophy students start questioning the nature of clownhood and whether or not the killer clown's actions are morally justifiable. By the time you realise you should run, it’s already too late. I’m sorry, but your deep thoughts couldn't save you from a shallow grave. But what is death, anyway?
Outcome: Die second
LAW:
Having a law degree in the middle of a slasher flick can only end in one of two ways: you either become the petty lawyer or the smart one. The petty lawyer will probably have gotten the group in trouble in the first place, trying to infringe on the loose property rights of a swamp hillbilly family. They will also whip out a cheeky court document just as the murderer is about to strike, popping off about the “legality” of the situation at hand. And if that doesn't work, they might even try to convince the killer that they're on their side and offer to defend them in court. But frankly, when a crazed killer is after you, you need more than just legal jargon and empty promises. The smart lawyer, on the other hand, will play their cards close to their chest, secretly recording the killer’s monologue to be played in court after they escape. So if you want to survive, you better channel your inner OJ and run like there's no tomorrow. There's no appeal process in the court of death!
Outcome: Uncertain
COMMERCE:
While you’re getting chased by a killer vampire, you’ll be too distracted obsessively refreshing your stock portfolio. At least you can take ease in the fact that Tesla went up 23.5%, right? You could use that extra cash to hire a personal trainer because, at this rate, you're not going to outrun anyone. When Dracula finally finds you, maybe you could offer him a share in your latest pyramid scheme. But let's face it, Dracula's not exactly the entrepreneurial type. He's more likely to roll his eyes and think, “Another Andrew Tate wannabe” before sucking your blood dry. Stick to screaming for your life and leave the get-rich-quick schemes to the experts.
Outcome: Die third
PSYCHOLOGY:
Well, this is a bit of a tricky situation. Do you risk trying to convince the axe murderer that they’re just in their bad bitch era through the magic of gaslighting and therapy, or do you succumb to your own inner demons and become the killer yourself? Decisions, decisions…
Outcome: Uncertain but insufferable either way
ENGLISH:
We all love a good bookworm, but when it comes to surviving a horror film nobody wants to be stuck with an over-analyser like you. Now, credit where credit's due: you have the artillery of every Stephen King novel under your belt. But when it comes to facing Carrie's murderous rampage, trying to charm her with your sonnet skills will only serve to piss her off (and the rest of us too). So you're quite simply destined to meet a gruesome end, which is pretty pathetic considering you couldn't even spot the obvious foreshadowing in those blood-red curtains yesterday.
Outcome: Die fourth
DENTISTRY:
You might think being a teeth expert is all about polishing and flossing, but in a horror film it's a whole new level of skill. Forget about just doing a filling, you’ll need to have a cunning mind, too. You see a killer on the loose? No need to run for your life! Just call them up and offer them an appointment for those manky-ass teeth. Then, after a few visits, hit them with an exorbitant bill that will bankrupt them to the point where they can't afford a knife. Simple. And if that fails, you have a whole swath of anaesthetics and sharp tools in your back pocket. Plus, they’re probably more scared of you than you are of them. You’re a dentist, after all.
Outcome: Survive
PHYSICS:
Sure, physics is all about boring maths equations and incomprehensible theories, but don't underestimate the power of you nerds during a serial killer spree. With your expertise in mathematical skills and precise measurements, they might just be your best ally in a crisis. These guys can Home Alone the shit out of Ghostface, setting up an elaborate trap that uses physics principles to maximum effect. But beware! Your skills may attract masses of terrified arts students wanting to team up with you. Fear not, as they make excellent bait.
Outcome: Survive
HEALTH SCIENCE:
When the new wave of plague hits, there’s no doubt you'll be the busiest. Not only are you experts at patching up injuries and allocating medicine, but you'll also be busy identifying the virus that caused this mess in the first place. So strap on your scrubs and get ready to save the world! You will be protected for your skills, but you're also going to be working harder than you've ever worked before, and that includes the all-nighter you pulled before the CELS191 exam.
Outcome: Survive, but at what cost?
GEOLOGY:
While your expertise in rocks is commendable, I'm afraid it won't be much use against a killer spider. Unless, of course, that spider is a massive fan of geology and can be easily distracted by the mesmerising beauty of your mineral collection. You may be able to navigate the group through the forest, and you may be able to out-drink the rest of the crew, but with your all-too-chill attitude and penchant for wandering off alone there’s no way you’ll survive this one. You’ll go missing right when they need you the most. Did the monster get you? Maybe. Did you accidentally wander off a cliff? Even more likely.
Outcome: Die fifth
THEATRE:
This may be your chance to show your parents your degree has value after all, assuming they haven't already been bitten by zombies. With your presumably excellent acting, makeup, and costume design skills, you can either play dead or pretend you're also a zombie and act as a double agent (leading to the rare and elusive zombie-spy-thriller tri-genre horror film). If you work in lighting, blind those zombies to get away; and if you're a stage designer, join forces with the physics teams for some subtle trap doors. If you're a playwright or a director, however, you will have to adapt. Fast.
Outcome: Survive, probably
While it's possible that you may be dismayed by your unfortunate demise, we can’t say that we’re sorry. After all, you chose this field of study, and horror movie survivability is one of the main things you should consider when choosing a degree. However, for those who have managed to survive the ordeal, we applaud you for your bravery and quick thinking. And for those who still face uncertain outcomes, we offer our support and hope that you too will emerge victorious.
Didn’t see your degree featured, and feeling bitterly disappointed about it? There's always a possibility of a poorly scripted sequel… every campy horror deserves one.