Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Di Lusso, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox.
If this sounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name.
And that won’t end well for you.
Olive
She was up for anything and anyone. We could only offer a guy who sadly left her with no satisfaction.
It all happened so quickly. After encouragement from a friend I signed up to the Critic Blind Date. I’ll admit, I was a bit nervous. As the date loomed nearer, I calmed down,and a pep talk from the flatties revealed some closet romantics in the house. It was now time for me to find my own.
Bolstered by their convictions of true love, I left the flat excited - and very late. Sorry for showing up 20 minutes behind your schedule, dear date. I promise that’s not my usual style. But to be fair, you were a bit early.
While I was half expecting a girl, but a boy* was just fine by me, and like any parent who’s discovered their newborn cheated on the sonograms I decided that personality was what really mattered here.
I enjoyed myself. He was lovely, and held a conversation well. We had a couple of drinks, but neither of us are big drinkers, so there wasn’t any drunk chat, sorry guys. There weren’t any awkward silences either, which was an unexpected but wonderful surprise.
Despite not taking similar degrees, we had plenty to chat about. I learned about Hall Life, which still kinda sounds like a petri dish of American High School cliques, alcoholics and stress, but it’s always good to get an inside perspective.
We took a few pics for Snapchat (mostly to prove to friends that I’d shown up) and bounced outta Di Lusso. And then I took his virginity - his Rob Roy ice cream virginity, that is. I was honoured to introduce him to such a staple of Scarfie culture. After a bit of talk he headed back to his hall, and it is with a heavy heart that I say there are no steamy details. Sorry! I’m telling myself he had an 8am lecture or something.
My date was a great guy, had a lovely smile, and I had an enjoyable night. Thanks Critic.
*man. We drank alcohol, you’re a man.”
Brandon
His story-telling abilities are questionable. Goddamn Freshers.
My mother always told me to “never judge a book by its cover”… she could not have been more wrong tonight. Arriving early at Di Lusso’s, the bartender jokingly told me that the last three dates had been successful if you know what I mean, wink.
I’d been going over so many scenarios in my head as to how I will approach what walks through the door, so I bought a beer to calm the nerves. She finally arrived (quite late I might add - for some reason it’s tradition for the girl to be late). I wasn’t impressed.
Against the cliché, tonight’s book cover perfectly depicted what story was going to accompany me this evening. It was like Mainstream meets Alternative, or something we can relate to a West Coaster meets Gloriavale - not exactly, but the worlds we lived in were different but in the same place.
Her chat was absolutely fantastic and it was a fresher frenzy as both of us were in the same year. But that’s where the similarities stopped. In a hall, flatting; Love fitness, don’t fitness; Health Sci, Bachelor of Performing Arts. I could go on, but it didn’t make me run away. I was actually really intrigued and keen as to hear her story.
The bar tab was disappointedly unutilised, but it would take me a lot more that $50 worth of alcohol to even consider going there. The food was fantastic and the fact she didn’t eat unethically farmed food meant more for me, Yay! We were later asked to move as Di Lusso were gearing up for a raging Thursday night whilst I was gearing down … for a quiet night.
She took me to Rob Roy’s for my first time and that was great. But I wasn’t going to let her be another first tonight so I said thanks, goodbye and punched on back to the hall. My highlight was to find out on Yik Yak later that night that she had enjoyed the evening and I quote “wish the night had ended in bed”… yeah, nah not happening.
Thanks Critic and Di Lusso...I’d do it again at a drop of a hat. Loved it