Me Love You Long Time | Issue 7
Dunedin is renowned for many things, but its dating scene is not one of them. Getting boozed and pashing people on the dance floor is hardly anyone’s idea of romance, so Critic wants to sort you out. Every week we’re sending two loveless loners on a blind date to Tokyo Gardens (with a bottle of wine to ease things along of course) to see if we can make some sparks fly. If you want in on the action, email email@example.com.
ThelmaStone cold sober and armed with a bottle of wine, I arrived at Tokyo Garden exactly 10 minutes late. Thankfully my plan had worked and my hot date was already waiting for me. (Thank fuck she was not a boyish looking dyke.) After she downed her first glass of wine in about 30 seconds I knew that it was either going to go really well, or be really shit. The banter was good, the eye fucking was better, and before we knew it the food had arrived. I don’t know what they study in zoology, but if it’s the eating habits of a pig, she’d get an A+. After she had done 5 feral burps and licked her plate clean I realised I was more drunk that I thought when I agreed to go to the Cook with her.
A jug and a deep and meaningful later, I followed her out of the Cook and into the Link toilets where we proceeded to fuck each other, 69 styles, before I realised how hot her arse was, and how wet her pussy was (4 fingers wet) and fucked her from behind. Things were getting pretty hot, so we decided to head back to hers. On the way she fucked me on a car and a scooter before I slipped a finger or two up her in the middle of the street.
Once home we wasted no time in getting naked. I can’t really remember the exact details but I know she came pretty hard a couple of times, and I had multiple orgasms. She didn’t have toys, but we were pretty resourceful, using various objects found in her room. Who needs toys when you’ve got an imagination! After watching some girl-on-girl porn, and making a bit of our own, we were both pretty exhausted. We enjoyed some cute cuddles and kisses before falling asleep. She was a honey, even letting me sleep on her favourite dinosaur pillow.
Sadly for me, there was no more sex to be had in the morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed my stroll of success home. Hopefully she will turn up for our planned coffee date tomorrow. If not, I still have the memories of some hot hot sex, and the video to enjoy when I get really lonely! Thanks Critic – this may be a match (or maybe just a fuck) made in heaven.
LouiseMy plan to arrive slightly intoxicated didn’t really work due to time restraints prior to the night, and on top of that I arrived at seven exactly. Classic mistake. Ten disgusting minutes later my date walked in. Thanks Critic! You have no idea how scared I was that she was going to be a fugly dyke wearing combat boots with shaved hair and a furry fanny. She was quite the opposite – wearing Karen Walker all over the show, typical law, and a cute black dress that definitely hid how big her boobs were (10F I later observed in her bra). The conversation rolled pretty smoothly and after food and finishing the wine we decided where better to go on a Tuesday than The Cook. We quickly finished a jug and chat started getting intense so I decided that we best keep moving before I get a crier on my hands.
For some reason we both naturally walked towards the lib. She said she needed to go to the toilet, so I wandered in and then she gave me a look telling me to follow her right into the cubicle. She legit peed in front of me (is that weird on the first date?) and all of our giggling quickly turned into touching and kissing. Next thing I know we are flat out in a 69er. After a wee bit she jumps off, asking can we go back to my place and I oblige. As we are wandering down the street to mine she makes known that she has no undies on so I give her a little poke on the bonnet of a silver Toyota Corolla and then the seat of a scooter.
Unfortunately I do not currently have any vibs or strappies in my possession, so my last memory (before waking up naked, sweating and shaking on my bathroom floor) was almost losing my Emporio Armani moisturiser in my date. I had class this morning so the goodbye was a quick one but I have to credit her – I came twice last night, talented girl.
She may be gone but I am left with my internet browser history full of lesbo porn searches, a filthy hicky and a fishy smelling moisturizer bottle. Thanks for the memories Critic! I think I may have found the scarfie love of my life, or at least a potential fuck buddy.