Learning to drive is not just about getting a handle on indicating and turning a wheel – it is a journey of self-discovery. In other words, you discover just how angry you can get at other people, and at strangers no less. Personally, there is a group of people somewhere between those who drive rubbish trucks and those who drive at 80K on the motorway who have me muttering under my breath.
People with ‘Baby on Board!’ signs.
Nasty. Tacky. Did they get attached to their learner plates and decide when they were no longer legally required to display them they would replace them with an equally horrible square of yellow plastic?
I was once told these signs were for the safety of the child. To keep them safe from what? Drivers on the road whose mission in life is to hit all other vehicles not containing infants? Those, who upon seeing a baby on board sign will think, ‘I was just about to smash into their rear passenger door. Good thing they have a sign saying they have a kid! I was this close to hitting them and now I am ashamed I even considered it. I will pull over so there is one less car on the road to threaten the life of this small person.'
In reality, the only things these signs keep safe are the cars. A baby on board sign causes a vehicle to lose all its dignity in the same manner as playboy seat covers or a row of soft toys in the back window. Once a car has baby on board sign it loses its make and model and simply becomes a ‘family car’, and who wants to hot-wire one of those? I swear if you were to leave even a Porsche unattended, keys in door, for 24 hours - if it had a baby on board sign, no one would steal it.
Maybe people want others to know they have procreated just so damn much they want to proclaim it in garish plastic. I can imagine the exchange between parents: 'Darling, that man back at the lights didn’t believe we had children. I could see it in his eyes. He thought we have finger marks on our windows because we re-enact scenes from ‘Titanic’ on the weekend. Maybe we need a sign.' The truth is, you make enemies by displaying the fact you have offspring. The person in the car behind you is wishing they could shoot you Grand Theft Auto style because they know just as the lights turn green you will be ducking to retrieve a pacifier.
So next time you or any of your acquaintances are ever tempted to thus foul your window with the aforementioned monstrosity - think about the smug dolt who is getting your money. Remember, contrary to the beliefs of the Ministry of Education, no one should ever be rewarded for having a primitive grasp of alliteration.
Diatribe - 16
