Shopping trolley stocks plummet as students hit north D

Posted 3:08pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Supermarkets across the city are reporting shortages of shopping trolleys, as students move into town and claim the sterling vessels as their own. “It’s madness”, said one New World employee. “Yesterday, I saw a woman back her RAV-4 all the way up to the building’s door Read more...

Booze Reviews | Tui 7.2% Strong Lager

Posted 4:06pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Chug Norris

Tui has done it again. Earlier, with their standard lager, the brewery perfectly captured the taste of a minor fuck-up, a small leak in the life-boat, a failure to look both ways at a railway crossing, a sneaky look down the barrel of a firework to see why it isn’t working.  But now, Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Not into that shit

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

I believe I have had the shittiest attempt at a hookup ever.  To set the scene: I’d just freshly moved out of my mum’s house into my first flat. My flatmates are both out so I decide fuck it, time to hop on Grindr, what’s the worst that could happen? So I message this guy Read more...

Emergency Summit Fails To Avert Fresher-Second Year War

Posted 3:09pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

A fragile peace between first- and second-years has collapsed amidst accusations of aggression on both sides. Relations between the two groups frayed after mass movements of freshers were detected around the traditionally second-year strongholds of Castle Street and Forth Street. Concerns about Read more...

Lion Brown is The Least Interesting Beer in New Zealand

Posted 3:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Lion Brown is the oldest and least interesting beer you’ve ever seen. The Brown Bomber has been around since 1907, and despite existing for 111 years, no one ever thought to adjust the recipe to make it taste good. Despite being mediocre as shit and not being anywhere near strong enough to Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Penis

Posted 12:28pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

1.5/5 Would not use again. The penis really has very limited function. Where is the “all-purpose tool” I was promised on the packaging? I tried to open a can with the lauded “can-opener” attachment. It took me ages. The attachment was blunt and almost did more damage to Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 11:27am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start the last issue of ODT Watch for the year we thought we’d give you a great example of one of the ODT’s staples: puns. Yes, it is about two dogs getting married. Props for the rhyme as well.   Clearly drunk off their titular success, the ODT forgot that they did Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Issue 26

Posted 1:15pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel, I’ve always viewed myself as a straight guy. I’ve had one serious relationship with a girl and a few casual hook-ups. But last weekend I had a few beers with the boys then headed into town. I somehow ended up at a random house party, where I meet this dude who was funny Read more...

Lucky in Love | Toyota Hilux & Mitsubishi Lancer

Posted 1:26pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Toyota Hilux I never wanted to sign up for this, but I eventually gave in to the constant Read more...

Sage Advice | Fuck! To Political Allegories and Fuck! To McDonald’s / Goodbye Forever

Posted 1:21pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Many people have strong views on McDonald’s.” - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s Well, folks. It’s been a rollercoaster. Bringing you advice these past months has been a blast. We’ve had some hits, and more than a few stinkers. We’ve laughed, Read more...