I’ve never really been a fan of Big Sport™. The conventional Kiwi kids’ rugby, cricket, soccer, tennis, and basketball never really piqued my interest, and besides Palmy’s love of canoe polo, New Zealand high schools don’t tend to offer a ton of other options. Parkour and boxing are the only ones I’ve paid any mind to in a long time and I’ve been itching to pick up another – one that’s a little more funky than the default.
There are a wide range of clubs at Otago Uni, many of them dedicated to specific sports, including fairly niche and under-appreciated ones. I took it upon myself to give them a go, with a variety of end results – sometimes surprisingly successful, sometimes shockingly sub-par. I’ve given each sport a score based on how much aura I reckon you’d gain from mastering it, as I believe that’s the only metric that holds any significance. Hopefully this helps you gauge whether these sports are for you or not.
Fencing: Duel of the Fates
As someone who grew up battle-hardened from hundreds of lightsaber duels with my brother, I strolled into the fencing arena every bit confident this would be a breeze. I was mistaken. Head of the Swords Club Theo would be the Jedi Master to my padawan. As we geared-up (not that kind) he briefed me on the fencing basics. I was then promptly thrown in the deep end to test my mettle against a few different opponents.
Things started off surprisingly promising, and I somehow won my first bout and drew the next. However, the final round was against New Zealand’s Commonwealth Jr. representative, Grace Thomson, who force-fed me a family-sized serving of humble pie. It was the equivalent of skipping straight to the final boss – and I was not prepared to face a Sith Lord just yet. The duel involved a lot of me trying to run away from the overwhelming series of lightning-fast attempts on my life. I didn’t even come close to scoring a point.
After recovering from this, I was treated to the sideline experience of watching the glorious spectacle of Grace and Theo – two fantastic fencers in their own rights – facing off against each other in what I can only describe as a deleted scene from Revenge of the Sith. It was a true masterclass in what hard work in this sport can achieve. The pace and intensity of their bout made everyone present an invested spectator. Consider me inspired.
Overall: As someone brand new to fencing, I can safely say it’s a lot of fun! The Otago Swords Club is a very welcoming group. I’m thinking I’ll return.
Potential aura gain: Unfathomable aura.+3,000 points MINIMUM. Imagine fending off hooligans on the street with a sword like Zorro. Hard as frick.
Foosball: Bend it like a Pole-Bound Beckham
Something I determined the second I saw the Otago Foosball Club? These people do NOT play around. They’re dedicated to their sport to a degree that I didn’t anticipate. Take one member, Paul, for example: he’s got over 40 years of experience in the sport, practises every day, and has played against some of the world’s greatest.
I was stoked to find myself on Paul’s side of the table, hanging onto every word of advice from the David Beckham of foosball. “The aim is to kill the opponent as quickly as possible. You can discharge all your aggression as well,” he told me. It was at this moment that I realised that foosball isn’t a mere game for the faint-hearted football fans. It’s a goddamn war.
As I tried desperately to defend against an onslaught of perfectly-timed 360-spin moves, I was taught another of the foosball tenets: the art of trash talk. While they fortunately spared me from verbal abuse as the newbie in the room, Paul did stress that talking smack is a crucial part of the game. I’m disappointed to say I didn’t witness this; it must be a sight to behold when two foosball demigods lock horns in a tense match-point situation and the “your mum” jokes come out.
I’ll put my hands up: I underestimated the difficulty of foosball going into it. I expected the game to be easier than it proved to be. My two key takeaways are that you need cat-like reflexes – reacting within a fraction of a second to catch the ball while being simultaneously aggressive and unpredictable with every move – and tap into your inner Nikocado Avocado by keeping two steps ahead. As Paul put it, “It’s about anticipating what the opponent will do, and knowing what your opponent anticipates.”
Overall: Tons of fun, but surprisingly intense. Would recommend it, and I’m looking forward to playing again soon.
Potential aura gain: Location and scenario dependent. Randomly pulling up to a foosball table and being goated at it = +1,000. Actively playing foosball recreationally = +50. Either way, getting good at it would improve your aura.
Archery: A Taste of Elven Warfare
The archery club scares me. Don’t get me wrong, they’re great people, but DAMN they like to stand on business. I was lucky enough to join a group of beginners who were equally as inexperienced as I was, meaning the environment was very welcoming.
But if you’re there, it's best not to horse around. As you might imagine, there’s a high level of risk involved when a bunch of people are firing arrows down a hall, so they take health and safety very seriously. Before I even had a bow in my hands, I witnessed somebody make a rash move and stroll towards the exit door – walking in front of the firing line of people unleashing arrows at targets. “STOP SHOOTING!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” screamed an outraged marksman. The offender scuttled away in fright, and the archery continued.
Intimidation levels were high at this point. The Middle Earth environment was far too intense for me to have a jolly old time. This was luckily a simple case of me overthinking everything. As it turned out, the guy who had screamed at the fellow wandering into the firing line was actually very nice. He patiently guided me through the proper technique of firing an arrow and how to ensure no one left with an arrow lodged in their side.
I sadly ended up not being the best shot, despite my mentor’s teachings. I low-key felt like Green Arrow, though, so I was content despite the poor results on the target. Not only was it a rush having a lethal weapon in my hand, but the surrounding group of seasoned archers decked out in quivers and leather straps felt very Tolkien.
There’s something undeniably satisfying about inserting an arrow, stretching the bow back and letting one fly – regardless of whether you strike a target or the bare wall. My key takeaways would be: (1) You must be VERY careful to exit ONLY when the archers have been called away from the shooting line, and (2) Don’t be afraid to ask for any help when participating. The vibes might be intense to begin with but trust me, these are good people!
Potential aura gain: +300 aura points. Pretty good, but unfortunately walking around with a bow and quiver isn’t normalised in today’s society, so there won’t be too many opportunities to go full Katniss mode and show off your skills.
Chess: The Student’s Gambit
I’m aware that including chess here is controversial, considering most people probably write it off as more of a board game than a sport. Between you and me, I kinda agree. If we’re counting chess then my favourite sport is Monopoly. At least, this was my initial thought. One of the chess club members, Leo, set the record straight for me. Asked point-blank whether it's a sport, he promptly replied (and yes, this is a real quote): “Yes. According to the something of something something they made it a sport a few years ago.” Case closed, I guess.
The first match was against Leo – it did not go well. My only prior knowledge of chess was a basic understanding of what each of the pieces' jobs were, and it can’t have been three whole minutes before I found myself staring down the barrel of a checkmate. It was around this time that I asked Leo what he thought was special about chess. His answer: “Not much. It’s better than checkers. That’s it, really.” The other guy there, Simran, was pretty cracked as well, so I wasn’t interested in taking him on.
I’d thankfully pre-planned properly and brought my flatmate Zoe along to save getting completely obliterated. Zoe and I put on a pathetic display that lasted a painstaking 40 minutes. We had to reset the timers because we went over and weren’t keen to finish where we were at. I was tragically defeated after a fairly even match, having exceeded our agreed-upon time allowance. I couldn’t help but dwell on the fact that the two experienced players watching were probably losing more brain cells than a nang enthusiast.
Overall: My key takeaways would be that it is extremely satisfying clicking the button on the timer once you’ve made your play, and the atmosphere felt nothing short of warm and welcoming.
Potential aura gain: Varies. Being good at chess makes you seem like you’d be the ultimate military general, leading to a maximum gain of +800 aura points. Unfortunately, if you become too good, you’ll be seen as a nerd, stripping you of 300 aura.
Tennis: Road to Wimbledon
Much to my dismay, my fears proved to be true when it came to playing tennis; it was quite a lot harder than what Wii Sports had led me to believe. I’m just as shocked as you are. Fortunately, I had with me an experienced mentor, Emma Jackson. Not only is she a member of the OUSA Tennis Club; she’s also the OUSA Clubs and Societies student representative, making her the optimal tennis coach for this challenge.
Before we began, I put some of that foosball trash talk into practice and warned Emma to anticipate some Roger Federer-level opposition. It seemed easy enough; run, hit the ball, jog backwards, run, hit the ball. Rinse and repeat. In fairness, this was technically a correct assumption, but I failed to consider that I was drastically oversimplifying it.
It was a rough start. The balls I hit were landing on the court, but it often wasn’t the court that I was playing on. As bad as this was, I had even bigger problems to worry about, like my apparent inability to grip the racquet properly (I slung it against the ground after it slipped out of my hand).
Emma’s training method of having me develop different skills individually by going through different techniques and skill-based games and exercises helped a lot. I managed to get my stuff together and improve significantly. We finished by successfully achieving a few decent rallies, and I felt satisfied that some progress was made.
I’m saddened to say that what was a wholesome one-on-one tennis lesson ended on a sour note as Emma shattered my morale: she told me I was not, in fact, on the level of Roger Federer. While I’m still hurt and fundamentally disagree, I respect her opinion and greatly appreciated the opportunity to try this exciting sport.
Potential aura gain: +700 aura points. It’s a tricky sport.
Hockey: Like Ice Hockey but Without Any Ice
Hockey is the one sport I had experience with before going into it. As much as I didn’t care for it, I played in intermediate because my mum forced me to. The same Grace from fencing was also a member of the OUSA hockey group and so I turned to her for assistance.
We began with the very basic stuff: passing, shooting, dribbling, and ‘slap shooting’ (or whatever it was called). Continuing the depressing trend of this challenge, I wasn’t fantastic at any of these. Thus, when it came time for a cheeky 1v1 against Grace, I knew I was cooked.
I started off defending as Grace charged at me, whacking the ball between my legs before scooting around me and smashing it right into the goal. She was lucky the sun was in my eyes. We switched positions. Now on the offensive, I felt the dire need to get even. I thought I was sly hitting the ball between her legs as she had done to me, but I had too much power behind my strike. I stubbornly chased the ball when it went flying out of bounds despite there being no chance of stopping it in time.
Something else that I found not so epic was the shock that you’d get in your hands from smashing the ball with the stick too hard – something I’d forgotten about completely. Grace explained that this is just part of the sport. In other words: toughen up and don’t let it stop me from smacking the frick out of the balls.
After my poor attempt at hockey, I spoke to another OUSA hockey club member, Josie, asking her what she thinks is so special about the sport. Honestly, I’m not sure she sold it as best she could: “You get to hold a big wooden stick and I like how people’s shins are accessible.”
Potential aura gain: I was gonna give it a positive score, but Josie’s quote cannot be overlooked and has utterly tanked its aura value drastically. With that being said, -700 aura.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout this experience, it’s that the wide variety of OUSA sport clubs means there’s probably something there for everyone. If you’re one of those freaks whose favourite Avenger is Hawkeye, try archery. If you’ve watched The Queen’s Gambit, you’ll probably be good at chess and should try it right now. If you’re interested in a funky group activity that’s likely very good for enhancing your hand-eye coordination, give foosball a go. And if you’re one of the horndogs who went to see Challengers three times in a row, grab a racquet and try your hand at tennis.
From my experiences both watching and participating in each of these six sports, I can say with great confidence that each and every community that I saw was a joy to interact with, extremely passionate, and more than welcoming. There isn’t a single one that I wouldn’t recommend. I hope this piece has been helpful in informing you of the experiences you might be in for when joining one of these clubs, and has enticed you to give at least one of these sports a try.
Whether you’re like me and don’t feel too stoked about basketball and soccer, or if you’re just keen for a bit of something new, I’d urge you to pay one of these welcoming clubs a visit.