Fizzliss have caused a sensation after they were rumoured to cause drinkers to shit themselves after a box. This is apparently a perfect storm due to the high fibre content of the drink and the terrible diets of those that consume them.
The good news is that they are delicious, and that there is a new drinking game in town: drinking as many Fizzliss as possible before you shit yourself. It is 100% worth it. Despite the shitting, I had a fantastic night. The shitting yourself is not as bad as it sounds, because the majority of the Fizzliss is shat out of your system before morning, making for a minimal hangover. Additionally, the drink goes through you so quickly that it minimizes bloat in your stomach, and maximises alcohol absorption in the intestines. I’ll take you through, drink by drink, so you get an impression of how it goes down.
Drink 1: It tastes fucking amazing, the sweetness of the apple is perfectly countered by the tanginess of the cranberry. I skull the last half of the can, to fully immerse my tastebuds.
Drink 2: There is no fizz, I still feel like I’m on my first drink. I did notice a slight bubbling in my stomach, but it was probably just a placebo effect.
Drink 3–4: I’m going fine. It is likely that this whole “shitting yourself” craze is some sort of mass hysteria. Unlike those other sheeple, I am enjoying the drink immensely and even beginning to get a bit buzzed. Life is good.
Drink 5: Fuck. There is a mounting pressure on my butthole. I go for a piss to relieve said pressure, but in the process I come dangerously close to opening up the battle on a second front. I take it easy on the sips but this drink still goes down very quickly.
Drink 6: I get into an argument with someone about why left-handed people are superior, it takes a while, this drink is honestly a bit of a blur.
Drink 7: En route to town, one Fizzliss in my pocket the long distance walking is really shaking something loose. Hopefully the lines are not too long, not sure what my range is at this point. I’m at the point where I am constantly clenching against gravity. Legitimately considering just shitting in an alleyway. The only thing preventing me is a lack of toilet paper, and potentially some self-respect.
Drink 8: Going to a bar rather than a club is an excellent decision. The bouncer is suspicious about why I’m in such a rush, but I’m wearing a button up shirt so I get in. I beeline for the toilets. As soon as I am over the toilet I let loose. It’s not pretty and I’m fairly drunk but I manage to keep everything in the bowl, I’m not a monster. I exit the bathroom, some poor fool is queuing. It’s not my problem, I convince everyone to leave and we head to a nearby flat party after having a long yarn to some dudes on meth in the Octy.
Overall, I had a great night on Fizzliss, highly recommended. I will add that it’s pretty steep — at $1.75 per standard it may well be out of many student’s price range. But if you’re a white girl that can get fucked off four cans, go hard... All I can say is that it tastes amazing, gets you fucked up, and has no fizz.
Tastes like: Serotonin, what the sun must taste like to plants, being reborn in a juicy haze
Froth level: Your first sip of Ribena after a life of watered down Raro
Pairs well with: Dark coloured trousers, bombing toilets
Taste rating: 9/10, the drink we’ve all been waiting for