Brad is one of the lucky few to escape the North D student rental market and crack into the real deal: living out at Saint Clair with your tidiest mates. His crib is stunning, sporting tasteful lighting and white walls with no weird patch-ups from drunken punch-ups. Sublime. It has the same sense of security you feel when you go home for the break: it’s a real house.
Joel looks around the living room, eyes full of wonder. We follow the sound of softly playing music into the kitchen. Brad has ordered $180 worth of Miga Hako, coincidentally Joel’s favourite restaurant. They’re a match made in heaven! In classic Brad fashion, our host with the most offers us all glasses of white wine, which we dutifully accept. Forget Joel; colour me charmed.
Joel is introduced to Brad's flatmates: Maggie and Madeline. They’ve been flatting together for two years now. “It’s very stable,” assures Brad, perhaps alluding to his relationship style. “Maggie and Maddy?” Joel asks. Madeline shakes her head. “I dated a Maddy in highschool,” she explains. “Now it's a no.” Joel nods in understanding. Your favourite artist’s favourite artist Chappell Roan comes over the speaker, and Joel foolishly reveals that until very recently he thought it was pronounced ‘Sha-pel Ro-anne’. Oh, dear. Brad and his flatmates exchange loaded glances.
The group chat about where Joel is currently flatting, revealing that he lives up [REDACTED], right next to [REDACTED]. He launches into a pretty crazy yarn about one time when his friend, we’ll call him Ben, came over and revealed that his grandma was the flat’s previous owner. She’d also died there. Ben even pointed out the specific room where it had happened (not Joel’s, thank the Lord). And the flat lore didn’t end there. Joel had also found out that a vet used to live there and neutered cats on their current living room table, and that ‘massage trains’ had taken place previously in his room (whatever the fuck that is). Safe to say, we breathe a collective sigh of relief to be hosted by Brad rather than Joel this fine evening – and not just because he has wine.
Joel asks how Brad met his flatmates. Maggie and Brad went to school together in Winton. “Is that near Invercargill?” asks Joel. Maggie sniffs, before informing him that she prefers to consider it to be “an hour and a half South of Queenstown.” They had an excellent time mucking about in class together, with Maggie recalling the time she “highlighted the periodic table and left” during a chemistry class. On the other hand, both Madeline and Brad went to halls together at St Margs. “Let’s just say if you weren’t straight, not the best choice,” laughs Madeline. “It meant you stuck out like a sore thumb. I heard [Brad] speak, and I thought, ‘I know something about this man.’ I thought I’d be really subtle and ask him what he thought of Lady Gaga.” Brad had taken the bait and together they raved about what a tune ‘Born This Way’ is. They’ve been friends ever since.
The food arrives, contained in four separate bags. “The odds on us finishing this are low,” grins Joel, staring at the spread in front of him. The highlight of tonight's meal (according to Joel) is the kimchi loaded fries. He’s bang on; they were really good! There are also honey chicken wings, fried rice, and bao buns to choose from. Would highly recommend.
Honey chicken isn’t the only sweet thing on the menu tonight. My cheeks hurt from smiling at this point. It’s a treat to tag along, with the casting crew, flat, and Joel feeling less like an organised date and more like hanging out with your friends. We talk about Madeline’s sacrifice of Monday quiz night at the Bog to spend the evening meeting Joel (shoutout to Craig, Madeline’s 55-year-old quiz partner). Joel shares a story about buying homemade vodka from his friend's brother when he was younger, causing an entire house party to begin vomiting.
Everyone bonds over a shared confusion relating to listening parties, with Maggie talking about her experience at a One Direction party. People were apparently pushing to the front, causing her to wonder: “You know [One Direction] isn’t actually here right? It’s just a picture.” Joel agrees, saying those events are “a little weird”. Joel and Maggie are also big fans of Les Mills, especially their spin class ‘The Trip’. However, Maggie feels it would be better if there were Reddit stories read alongside the virtual scenery, as she gets bored toward the end. Joel seems very amused.
At this point, I enquire into what the wine Brad has given us is, giving him a chance to show off his expertise. It’s a fantastic drop. Kevin (the crew photographer) has knocked back a couple of glasses with the rest of the group at this point. Conversation is flowing remarkably well. Joel remarks that he “hasn’t had white wine in awhile” – prompting a disappointed “oh!” from Brad and his flatmates. Brad looks like he might faint. This flat loves their wine. He offers to top everyone up with another bottle, and Joel politely declines, citing a need for recovery after a pretty crazy past couple of days (Southern Sounds and Wellington College reunions). This elicits some more disappointed noises from the flatties, but Joel still ends up having a small glass. They seem pleased with this.
Perhaps fuelled with liquid confidence, Maggie prompts Madeline to “ask her question”. Madeline purses her lips, smiling. Joel looks at her apprehensively. “You have the opportunity to design a one-day festival. Who would you include?” she asks. She explains that there are no temporal limits. Joel can, for example, choose Queen in their prime. “Or Doja Cat in her prime,” encourages Maggie. For the headline, Joel (after much discussion with the others) settles on Dire Straits in their prime. He then envisages that they will bring out Travis Scott as a guest performance. Following that (over at a separate DnB stage) Chase & Status will bring out Taylor Swift as a guest performer. At the same stage, Chappell Roan (“Shappell Ro-anne”) will bring out Fleetwood Mac. Brad decides on Fleetwood Mac, Doja Cat and Shakira (with Rihanna being brought out as a guest artist). Maggie is filled with fury, as Joel has stolen half of the acts she wanted for her festival (she’s worried they won’t be free now).
Suddenly, Brad receives a call. His best friend Jenna has kindly FaceTimed him to meet Joel! As an observational king, Joel sees that Jenna appears to be in a different timezone based on the light coming through windows. She confirms that she’s in Australia. “Hello from across the ditch,” says Joel. Jenna asks the standard questions you ask any of your mates’ new romantic interests: “What do you call a duck on drugs?” (a quackhead); “Why should you always knock on the fridge before opening?” (in case there’s a salad dressing). They seem to get along very well.
It seems that Joel can’t catch a break. As soon as Jenna hangs up, Madeline tells Joel that she has a gift for him. She proceeds to bring out Trivial Pursuit (in honour of Craig) and pits Joel and Brad against one another (“any excuse for a quiz!”). Joel wins, but Brad is a good sport about it.
I usher Joel out of the room so I can talk to the flatties one on one. “He’s lovely,” says Maggie. “No original music ideas though,” she grumbles, referring to the day festival planning. “Men are so decentred from my life,” shrugs Madeline. “[This is] the closest I’ve been to being on a date with a man in years.” Well, at least she didn’t say it was a bad date. “It was good,” beams Brad. “Everyone got along. It was economical [that] he didn’t have much of a share of the wine, but [I’m] a little disappointed.” I sympathise.
Joel reenters and Madeline announces she has one final surprise for Joel. “Heard you’d been giving out roses,” she begins, lifting up the hem of her t-shirt. On one of her belt loops are her keys and two heart-shaped carabiners. “I had a second carabiner on the entire night,” she says, unclipping it and handing it to Joel. It’s like a seal of approval. “Wow, it flew right under my nose,” says Joel, clipping it onto his belt loops.
With that, we say our goodbyes (Joel and Brad have a cheeky hug) and drive back to North Dunedin (boo). Joel comments that he loved the flatmates, and that they were absolutely hilarious.
Join us next issue for the FINAL instalment of Critic Bachelor where all the singles will be reuniting, and Joel will choose who he’ll be pursuing for the rest of eternity. Kiss kiss.