Aquarius
You need to take a break from energy drinks for a week. If you could afford to go to the doctor they would tell you the same. Your resting heart rate is higher than a rabbit’s during sex, which is saying a lot because they fuck fast.
Lucky charm: The little rat tail at the nape of your neck you miss every time you brush your hair
Pisces
“Yolo” should be your motto this week. “Fuck it we ball” is also a good option because that is how you will be acting. Everything is going wrong but in the best way. Maybe you crash your car and Mum buys you a nicer one or you forget your lunch and Delivereasy magically appears on your desk. Just take what you can get.
Lucky charm: The can tab from the your first drink this week
Aries
Have you been feeling the tense vibes in the flat? Think about every horrible situation you have had this year. What's the common denominator? Oh, that's right… YOU. Change your tune before someone changes it for you.
Lucky charm: Your mismatched socks
Taurus
Make the mish through the veggie aisle at the supermarket rather than beelining for the frozen pizzas. There is some lovely seasonal produce around and your scurvy would benefit greatly from the consumption of some. The only vitamins you get shouldn't be from little gummies from white bottles.
Lucky charm: Your Eftpos card
Gemini
The anxiety is hitting this week. Remember you can push through it, but it is okay to talk to someone about how you feel. The people around you truly care about how you are doing and won't get shitty if you let out a few snotty tears after half a Nitro.
Lucky charm: The hair tie on your wrist right now
Cancer
Your delulu mind is working its wonders this week and some of these outrageous thoughts may even be a little bit true. So believe with everything in you, wish upon a star and your wildest dreams could come kind of true.
Lucky charm: This Critic
Leo
You have got to get out of the library. If it's a busy week, take your studying out to Union Lawn. If you are having a chill week, try walking to South Dunedin and see how far you get before you regret your choice of shoes and have to Uber home.
Lucky charm: That crystal your ex gave you
Virgo
The best outlet for your emotions is to write a letter to the editor and absolutely vent. Nina loves hearing all about shitty flatmates or stupid partners. You probably won't get a reply but it’s nice to know that someone is hearing about the shit you have to go through.
Lucky charm: A pig
Libra
You're in love! I know it, you know it, if only they knew it. It's a shame that you’ve never actually spoken – this parasocial relationship has gotten so out of hand that your friends are planning an intervention. Maybe this week you can try to make eye contact with them.
Lucky charm: A strawberry flavour lip balm
Scorpio
Don't even worry this week. Your outfits are going to look so cool and effortless, many of your peers will be jealous and create Pinterest boards in hopes of one day being able to slay as much as you do naturally. Just tell them the sandwich method works wonders but really it is your aura.
Lucky charm: Your emotional support water bottle
Sagittarius
You fucked around and found out, and now your grades are shitty, you are on the verge of academic probation, and your parents are no longer proud of you. It’s time to pull up those socks and lock in. If you try hard enough, you can be an academic weapon, but buying your friend's Ritalin prescription also helps.
Lucky charm: Your empty bottle of Ashwagandha gummies
Capricorn
This week you are more broke than you have ever been, so it's time to try to save your money up. Sign up to do surveys to try and make some fast cash. That bread ain’t gonna back itself, so get out there and try scamming people for their life savings. Who needs morals when you can afford groceries this week?
Lucky charm: A flower from the tallest rosebush in the Botans