Goble Gobbles Pussy
The year is coming to an end, and so is the career of one of the country’s foremost stars in student journalism: Howie Staples. During his illustrious career at Critic, which spanned a single year, Howie had his own column, graced the cover, recovered from a narcotics addiction, fooled some into thinking him human, and even received the odd piece of hate mail – all the signs of a true star. Now, however, it is time for him to move on.
With ol' man Stockman leaving the city, Howie has had to farewell the Critic office and find new slaves/family. He’s found sanctuary in the home of student Anna Goble and her flatmates, who appear to be completely enamoured with the ginger stud. When asked about her enthusiasm for the move, Goble feared she would “go off on a tangent about my love of Howie”. Her cover photo on Facebook already features him. But will this all be a bit too much for Howie the independent bachelor? “I can’t blame them for worshipping me,” he humbly told Critic. “If they get too overbearing I’ll just shit everywhere. That always gets me alone time.”
Known for his untamable spirit and nonchalant air, Howie has garnered legions of adoring fans. But every balla has their share of haters. An uncanny number of people who worked with him were allergic; he seemed to specifically target allergy victims, resulting in “about 70% of the office” developing symptoms in his presence. Incoming editor Callum Fredric hypothesises that he “stores allergens in his fur. He has so much fur.” Howie is, indeed, one well-endowed cat.
Despite his chilled attitude, Howie has stuck with the Critic crew through thick and thin. He was there for the 24-hour issue, partook in the initial stages of the Bar Safety Review, and forgave quickly when he was locked inside strange offices overnight. He made his presence felt in the wider community in a way no other staff member could: by being one hot pussy. When asked if he was sad about leaving the Uni, Howie put on a brave face: “No cage can hold me. I mean, I’ll still catch the fans around, maybe I'll even let them touch me.” We wish Howie, Anna and co all the best in their new home.
