Affirmative Action Policy Leads to Selection of Right-Wing Editor
The political neutrality and general quality of Critic magazine are in jeopardy after radical right-wing activist and suspected larcenist Callum Fredric was selected as Critic Editor for 2013.
Fredric’s political bias is ingrained in the very follicles of his hair, which he has partially dyed blue. In a further crime against fashion, the blue patch is in the shape of a C, which he claims stands for Critic, but blatantly stands for Callum. This Huey Dewey and Louie level of sophistication aptly foreshadows the tone and content that readers can expect from the magazine in 2013.
The first innocent creature to fall victim to the sociopathic policies of the new Editor is beloved office cat Howie Staples, who is to be “adopted out or just put to sleep”. When asked what he had against felines, Fredric said: “They’re only one step ahead of poor people in terms of moral worth, so there’s no place for him here.”
The genesis of Fredric’s fear of New Zealand’s lower classes can be traced back to his time at primary school, where he was ruthlessly bullied by street-savvy hustlers: “I grew up on the mean streets of Wadestown, so I know what it’s like to live on the edge.”
Inevitably, Fredric’s latent, implausible yearning for “street cred” led him to overcompensate by legally acquiring the title of “Lord” through buying a one square metre piece of land on an old Scottish feudal estate. Although he has submitted every article this year under the name of “Lord Callum Fredric”, no one respects him or his laughable title, and the term has been removed each time along with his customary grammatical and factual errors.
Upon being offered the position, Fredric received a congratulatory phonecall from Prime Minister John Key, who said he was “looking forward to using Critic as a National Party mouthpiece in 2013”. Indeed, Fredric has sought legal advice on how to most easily fulfil minimal duties of journalistic balance, and says that a loophole in the law will allow him to satisfy this simply by publishing heavily edited letters to the editor that contain incidental criticism of the Government.
Fredric has recently come out of the closet as the writer of the infamous “Eagle of Liberty” column, but says he doesn’t want “filthy, filthy socialists” to feel like they can’t come and have a beer with him.