Love Is Blind | Issue 7

Love Is Blind | Issue 7

Critic’s infamous blind-date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mis-matched pairs, and the occasional hookup.

Each week, we lure two singletons to Dog With Two Tails, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this svounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz.  But be warned ­—if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name.  And that won’t end well for you.

His

Dear Critic. I see what you did there, setting me up with this person. I started the night preparing for a chance at “true love.” Questions ran through my head. Could she be blonde? Red head? Will she have an exotic personality? Will she retire my tinder addiction (tindiction) and put a stop to the recurring question: “Thoughts on cuddles tonight?”

Before heading out I started with the usual pre-date social lubricants: A bit of beer... and a bit of absinthe. After a quick vom I knew I was at a great start.

When I arrived at The Dog With Two Tails, I was pleasantly surprised. She was the definition of a hipster, the endearing self-aware kind, of course. Strong new age woman with equally strong values. Her passion shone through when she stepped in to eliminate any conservative engendered views of my own.

My solution to get past any roadblocks was simple: More alcohol. We knocked back a couple of bottles of “Speni” red wine. Before too long I felt my “inferior male” mind changing; it all made sense now.

As we left I text my inferior male friend, giving him a run down. He was quick to warn me of the danger of strong, independent women like her. Considering the two arguments in front of me, I made up my mind and headed off. Where, you ask? ... Well I’m not too sure since the rest of the night was bit of a drunken blur. But I know for certain it was a good one. Sorry team.

Cheers Critic for the great food, great venue, and great banter... but I think I’ll stick with a more conventional form of matchmaking. #Itswhatyoumakeofit

Her

I’d been excited about the idea of going on the Critic blind date for a while, so when I got the go ahead I was excited as hell! Naturally though, on my way to Dog With Two Tails I was apprehensive – praying to God that they didn’t set me up with a Castle Street fuck boy who thinks the only cool things about student life are rugby and drinking. 

Thankfully though this was not the case. I was greeted by a nice gentleman, who in all honesty was rather attractive despite being a little more ‘mainstream’ than my usual type of person. The banter and conversation flowed freely and consistently from the get go, with rants from one interesting thing to the next. A compliment or two about the new shirt I’d bought that day and my hair colour didn’t go astray either. 

I was having an excellent time wining and dining with the man, although we were mainly just winning, until an older woman came and hijacked the date by stealing my seat and saying how well she thought the date was going. Apart from that it was really nice, some live jazz made things a bit more fun as well, leading into me being able to do my kazoo impression with little need for explanation. After all the wine and food we caught a cab back to mine to indulge in some ‘herbal tea’ if you will, and then, although my memory is rather hazy after all the wine tea and food, I do believe we went our separate ways. At least I can only assume that due to the fact that I woke up alone the next morning. Thanks Critic for a once in a lifetime experience, it sure was a hectic night. 

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2016.
Posted 1:18pm Sunday 17th April 2016 by Lovebirds.