News / Proctology
recent News/Proctology
by Aimee Gulliver | 2:33 am, 17/10/2011
In our last meeting of the year, the Proctor was very keen to “blow Campus Watch’s trumpet.” We were a bit taken back by this statement, but really what consenting adults get up to in their own time is none of our business.
by Aimee Gulliver | 5:06 am, 19/09/2011
Critic is starting to suspect the Proctor has mistaken us for Dr Dolittle, as we’re kicking off this week with yet another animal story – this time involving the exciting chase of a loose rabbit. At least it wasn’t a loose pussy; nobody would be interested in chasing that.
by Aimee Gulliver | 11:39 pm, 22/08/2011
The snow hadn’t been causing the Proctor too much trouble when Critic spoke to him, and he had even been deploying Campus Watch in a truck to drive people home safely. Critic immediately formed a completely inaccurate mental image of a pickup truck doing burnouts through the snow with bogan Castle St residents hanging off the back clubbing baby seals.
by Aimee Gulliver | 4:51 am, 11/08/2011
Critic hadn’t had a rendezvous with the Proctor since before the holidays, so we were expecting a good haul of stories when we strolled into his mighty chambers of justice. Disappointingly, Re-O Week seems to have been a relatively tame affair, with no stories of note from our favourite disciplinarian. Thankfully, however, the pre-holiday period was much livelier, with the University experiencing an influx of wild animals that would have given Steve Irwin a wet dream.
by Aimee Gulliver | 3:28 am, 06/07/2011
The Proctor had some words of wisdom to impart this week about “planking”, a recent fad that involves lying down with your arms by your sides in weird public places and photographing it. In short; don’t do it.
Proctology - 19
by TailGunner Joe | 11:37 pm 09/08/2010
he Proctor seemed to be having a bit of a slow week when I interviewed him, but as usual there were a couple of things exercising his mind:
* Firstly, there have been “three or four” assaults on campus recently. These have been of the indecent rather than violent variety, although we won’t be getting into gory details here. Campus Watch patrols in the relevant areas have been stepped up, and nothing has been reported since, but this is still a worry. The Proctor cautioned people against walking home alone at night and reiterated that Campus Watch are quite happy to escort anyone, anywhere, 24/7, if the need arises. Their number is 479 5000; if you don’t have any money on your phone, 0800 479 5000 will get you connected for free.
* Again with people leaving their doors unlocked. A recent theft from an improbably remote room in one of the colleges underlines the fact that hall monkeys are an unsentimental and cold-hearted breed who will happily turn on each other if the opportunity arises. In fact, it’s been fairly well established that everyone in your Hall is out to get you. They’re probably plotting to get you right now. Our advice is go back to your room, without making eye contact with anybody, barricade yourself in, and hide under the bed until exams. Trust no one.
Dumb idea of the week
There have been a number of things going missing from CAL labs recently. Most (not all) have been reunited with their owners after a look through the relevant CCTV footage, but in doing so Proctorial staff have discovered that the stuff has often been left by itself for as much as half an hour before being pinched, apparently having been left in place by people to reserve their seats while they nip out for coffee, lunch, booty-calls, et al. Don’t do that. It’s silly.
