News / Proctology
recent News/Proctology
by Aimee Gulliver | 2:33 am, 17/10/2011
In our last meeting of the year, the Proctor was very keen to “blow Campus Watch’s trumpet.” We were a bit taken back by this statement, but really what consenting adults get up to in their own time is none of our business.
by Aimee Gulliver | 5:06 am, 19/09/2011
Critic is starting to suspect the Proctor has mistaken us for Dr Dolittle, as we’re kicking off this week with yet another animal story – this time involving the exciting chase of a loose rabbit. At least it wasn’t a loose pussy; nobody would be interested in chasing that.
by Aimee Gulliver | 11:39 pm, 22/08/2011
The snow hadn’t been causing the Proctor too much trouble when Critic spoke to him, and he had even been deploying Campus Watch in a truck to drive people home safely. Critic immediately formed a completely inaccurate mental image of a pickup truck doing burnouts through the snow with bogan Castle St residents hanging off the back clubbing baby seals.
by Aimee Gulliver | 4:51 am, 11/08/2011
Critic hadn’t had a rendezvous with the Proctor since before the holidays, so we were expecting a good haul of stories when we strolled into his mighty chambers of justice. Disappointingly, Re-O Week seems to have been a relatively tame affair, with no stories of note from our favourite disciplinarian. Thankfully, however, the pre-holiday period was much livelier, with the University experiencing an influx of wild animals that would have given Steve Irwin a wet dream.
by Aimee Gulliver | 3:28 am, 06/07/2011
The Proctor had some words of wisdom to impart this week about “planking”, a recent fad that involves lying down with your arms by your sides in weird public places and photographing it. In short; don’t do it.
Proctology - 17
by Tailgunner Joe | 11:53 pm 25/07/2010
The Proctor kept me waiting for some time this week while he read a series of grave indictments to some young idiot who had been collared by Campus Watch a few nights ago.
When he finally called me in, he noted this guy would probably be on remand if the police had got to him first, and that he was enrolled for a degree that requires a clean criminal record. I can’t tell you anything about that particular case, but thankfully the Proctor had other dirt to dish:
• There have been a couple of incidents of window-breaking around campus lately, including one in which someone “took exception” to a bus window and smashed it out. This resulted in a $1000 repair bill, which the Proctor instantly passed to the young vandal.
• The Proctor was keen to point out that the disturbances and fires on Castle Street a couple of weeks ago were not, in fact, the result of a regular street party (a la Hyde Street), but rather the result of a couple of contiguous flats holding piss-ups on the same night. The problem emerged, the Proctor claimed, as a result of these guys putting their party on Facebook, which immediately drew in sizable delegations of idiots like moths to a flame. The Proctor took this opportunity to remind people that anyone caught setting fire to anything larger than a cigarette around here will be shot.
• By contrast, no problems were reported at the Agnew Street party, possibly because the organisers didn’t Facebook it, allowing a local, good-natured community event to remain just that. Something to think about.
Dumb idea of the week
Lately there have been several cases of people turning up in flats and college rooms they don’t belong in, and bits and pieces have gone missing. The Proctor wearily reiterated his standing advice to everyone to lock (or at least close) your doors when you’re not home, but he did spare a kind word for a very special little petal who broke into someone’s room, used their camera to take a photo of herself trespassing and then left the camera behind.
