News / Proctology
recent News/Proctology
by Aimee Gulliver | 2:33 am, 17/10/2011
In our last meeting of the year, the Proctor was very keen to “blow Campus Watch’s trumpet.” We were a bit taken back by this statement, but really what consenting adults get up to in their own time is none of our business.
by Aimee Gulliver | 5:06 am, 19/09/2011
Critic is starting to suspect the Proctor has mistaken us for Dr Dolittle, as we’re kicking off this week with yet another animal story – this time involving the exciting chase of a loose rabbit. At least it wasn’t a loose pussy; nobody would be interested in chasing that.
by Aimee Gulliver | 11:39 pm, 22/08/2011
The snow hadn’t been causing the Proctor too much trouble when Critic spoke to him, and he had even been deploying Campus Watch in a truck to drive people home safely. Critic immediately formed a completely inaccurate mental image of a pickup truck doing burnouts through the snow with bogan Castle St residents hanging off the back clubbing baby seals.
by Aimee Gulliver | 4:51 am, 11/08/2011
Critic hadn’t had a rendezvous with the Proctor since before the holidays, so we were expecting a good haul of stories when we strolled into his mighty chambers of justice. Disappointingly, Re-O Week seems to have been a relatively tame affair, with no stories of note from our favourite disciplinarian. Thankfully, however, the pre-holiday period was much livelier, with the University experiencing an influx of wild animals that would have given Steve Irwin a wet dream.
by Aimee Gulliver | 3:28 am, 06/07/2011
The Proctor had some words of wisdom to impart this week about “planking”, a recent fad that involves lying down with your arms by your sides in weird public places and photographing it. In short; don’t do it.
Proctology - 09
by TailGunner Joe | 1:19 pm 11/07/2010
I had to spend some time in the Proctor’s waiting room this week, in the company of a trio of young gentlemen who were being hauled in for a discussion about something or other (large-scale white-collar insider trading fraud, by the looks of them).
As we whiled away the minutes, one of these guys turned to his mates and asked the great existential question that occupies most students at Otago:
“How do you spell alcohol?”
“A-L-C-O-H-O-L.”
“Oh, right. I’d have put another ‘a’ in there somewhere.”
About then the Proctor called me into his office and started the interview.
• The first proper rainy weekend of the year got the Proctor thinking about the high water on the Leith. This happens every year, and most years some twerp tries to navigate the length of campus on a boogie board or something. This never works, mostly because there’s a thumping great weir right in front of the clocktower that will – will – capsize you and put you in a washing-machine spin that you probably won’t be able to get out of, with or without help. “So far nobody’s drowned,” the Proctor notes, although he had to wonder about the young dipstick who was floating towards the weir in an inflatable wendy house a couple of weeks ago.
• A couple of people have noticed odd sorts hanging about their letterboxes lately, and a couple of others have had valuable parcels not turn up. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to figure out what’s going on, but rather than call the Police or make a scene, the Proctor suggests anyone in a similar situation should call the campus security office on 477 5000; Campus Watch will arrive in good time and ask the questions. That number also works for other goings-on, incidentally.
Dumb idea of the week
Setting fire to a chair on a wooden veranda at the front of a wooden villa in a neighbourhood full of closely-packed wooden houses that might or might not have batteries in the smoke alarms. “Someone’s gonna die,” says the Proctor.
