Proctology - 11

by TailGunner Joe | 3:18 pm 11/07/2010

The Proctor was getting ready to attend his granddaughter’s birthday party when I arrived to interview him this week, although he also allowed of his charges that “they’ve gone mad this week”.

This might bring to mind visions of hordes of unhinged lunatics rampaging across campus. You have to remember, however, that this is the Otago, a well-known party venue where the professional classes of Auckland and Christchurch send their kids to drink and screw around for a while before taking desk jobs in Wellington, so “going mad” here resembles Skins rather than 28 Days Later. As a result, goings-on have been more stupid than freaky…

• … such as the young man observed in camouflage gear, camo face paint and a balaclava helmet lurking in the bushes outside St David lecture theatre one night last week. Campus security collared this jerk in fairly short order and discovered that a flatmate had dared him to do it (money apparently rested on the matter). He was sent home with a reminder that if he had picked up a stick at any stage in the escapade we could have been looking at an Armed Offenders callout.

• Several second-years used the tertiary open day last week as an opportunity to pass themselves off as high schoolers, visit their old halls, and get up to no good. This is a perennial problem stemming from the assumption on the part of most former hall monkeys that they possess a unique place in the RA’s hearts and that the staff will be pleased to see them. This is horseshit, and trespass orders usually follow.

• Several guys were observed playing golf using beer bottles as balls. The flaw in this plan, obviously, is that bottles don’t go very far, which limits the length of your drives. Airborne bottles also tend to attract the attention of Campus Watch, who can play hell with your short game.

• The Proctor also has a new number for campus security, and invites all those with security concerns to use it. It’s 0800-479-5000.

Dumb idea of the week

A young guy was observed climbing a fence into someone’s backyard, whipping it out, relieving himself and going on his way one evening last week. The occupants of the house called campus security, who collared their man fairly quickly, as his cellphone had fallen out of his pocket during the fact, allowing them to track him down “like an elephant through snow” and send him away for summary castration. 

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